Rage Reviews

Volcano Review

Wed, 29 May 2013 11:08:30 -0400

Volcano.

Lava isn’t the only thing it’s blowing.

Now, this film is retarded. It defies logic and basically shits on realism. Here are some facts before I go on.

Human skin melts at only 200, human fat melts at 300, and human bones melt like butter at 1200. Molten Lava comes in at 2,000 Fahrenheit. So realistically if you where anywhere closes you would begin melting.

There are several stupid scenes in which the character waltz past the lava like it has no effect on them. Three people are carried across only several feet above the lava and dangled like muppets from a fire engine ladder (When realistically there legs would fall off).

The when the lava gets into someone’s house, a dog manages to escape literally a foot away by grabbing its bone before the bone gets engulfed by lava as it runs out the backdoor. (Again realistically he would have been a hotdog) haha)

Then of course the scene where they intend to stop the lava by putting down 6ft tall concrete blocks… Now I’ve just checked and concrete doesn’t actually melt. But it crumbles like sugar at 1000 Fahrenheit. (Remember the lava was 2000) so the blocks would of just crumbled and the lava would of poured over the top melting the fireman and fire engines on the other side. But, somehow against the inevitable they manage to block the lava. The spray a few gallons of water over the top and the lava crusts over saving the day.

In the scene where a guy is escaping the subway car, the car is breaking down and melting due to the intense heat.

The plastic is on his uniform is melting.

His shoes are melting into his feet.

The roof is melting.

The glass is melting.

The guy is merely sweating. (Yes you read that right).

He decides to jump into the lava to risk his chances and of course melts instantly. Well done, give that boy a biscuit.

There is a big reveal in the last half of the movie where Anne Heche puts a basketball on the street to watch where it rolls to figure out which way is downhill. The reveal is that it turns out that they were preparing for the lava to flow one way and they discover that it’s going to flow in a different direction.

It literally takes them half the movie to figure out that gravity plays an important factor in how a liquid moves.

The cast are so stupid as well, when investigating an earthquake one of the scientists literally lays across the huge gap in the earth caused by an earthquake and it’s beyond obvious that she falls in. Then near the end where a building is about to collapse, Tommy Lee Jones’ daughter stands underneath he building and there’s a 2 minute Baywatch shot of him running towards her in slow motion, and she stands there crying the entire time like a little bitch.

The part where they actually say, it would take 2 days to blow a building down and they do it in twenty minutes. Wait what?

The bit where they stick the camera into the pipes and the lava is clearly moving at between 40-50 mph. Yet they manage to drive ahead of the lava to the position in the ground which it will burst out, just down the road with half an hour to spare even though the lava is travelling in a straight direction, meaning they would have had to travel at something like 3000mph down the road in a jeep for it to make any sense.

The first eruption happens in a huge park surrounded by 15million people, and apparently only 100 people get killed? Even though there’s like a meteor storm that sets people on fire and destroys buildings, smashes cars off of the road and not to mention that huge ass pool of lava that melts everything.

The best bit is, at the end when it starts raining and there all like wow it’s raining how lovely its raining yay the day is saved, no more lava woo!

In real life more often than not, with volcanic activity just finished it would actually be acid rain and they would all be suddenly melting

Predator Concrete Jungle Rage Review

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:39:28 -0400

Now the story starts off as a predator running through the streets ofNew Yorkin 1930. Wait already there’s an issue with the story? The first line? Really? Now lets be honest would he be running through the streets of NY without his cloak? Anyway, he’s running through NY to find an Irish boss. The reason why is completely unknown and you never find out. You then fall through a building, down 20 ft into a building on fire. Now im not being funny but if you hold the jump button you can jump 40ft in the air, so im not quite sure why this causes him to detonate his ship? Causing a nuclear explosion? Wiping out the city? HOW DOES HE SURVIVE THE EXPLOSION? So many questions already and where still on the first level?

So his clan pick him out of the rubble and decide to exile him to an alien planet full of what look like giant scorpions for one hundred years to punish him for basically being an ass and wrongly nuking a city (haha what are true friends for (because there not supposed to kill unarmed people and obviously setting off a casual nuke, didn’t sit well with them).

Anyway, the predator (who still doesn’t have a name) survives the one hundred year exile, and the clan pick him up and show him videos on preda-tube of the future humans 100 years later in NY (Now called Neonopolis 2030).

(Now this bit is really, beyond idiotic) It shows on preda-tube that the humans have gained predator weaponry SOMEHOW and are turning it against the humans. Now im not being funny but this guy. Although he was an ass he was covering his tracks because if he had of died in that fall then they would have found the ship and found his equipment. Now Im not a scientist by any means, but if a nuke goes off it pretty much destroys everything in its path. Now this nuke wasn’t a normal nuke this is like a futuristic one so imagine several killer tonnes and it annihilates the entire city so how an earth the humans got the gear is beyond me. I think the story writers had several brain farts whilst writing this story.

So the predator goes back to the now Neonopolis on a quest of redemption to gain back his gear and basically prove to his clan that he is a worthy hunter. As one does when one is exiled to a scorpion infested planet. Now, Neonopolis being a place of the future is run entirely by Voodoo Satanists, drug addicts, wrestlers and porn stars. COME ON SERIOUSLY WHO WROTE THIS STORY?!

You go through Neonopolis basically slaughtering everyone on the streets, and the stealth element of the game pretty much disappears as the game turns into a hack and slash fest, and there are loads of really pointless missions like ‘stop the robbery’. Sorry, im meant to care about someone’s wallet getting stolen? Am I a predator or a community support officer? I mean fair enough if someone’s stolen cloaking tech, or your smart disk I mean it’s rightfully yours but come on seriously I don’t care for someone’s wallet being stolen.

The control system is pretty easy to get used to and you get all of the predators toys excluding the rope gun, you can gain extra costumes and weapon upgrades which is awesome, you can see your trophies of the bosses you kill which is awesome (especially when you fight other predators). The graphics are pretty horrendous and at some points it really does feel like your playing a first generation game.

The main issue with the game that I have is that the playground you’re given to run around in is so tricky to traverse around? The buildings placed around seem sporadic and you’re often found having to work your way around the streets rather than over the rooftops, and it kind of defeats the element of being a silent hunter. What’s even more worrying is that people on the street that see you, they don’t even care? They don’t call the police they just back away like ‘oh my god what did I just see’, I mean some people start shooting but that’s only if you get in there face?

Another notable mention is the games checkpoint system, which is pretty non excitant and can have you literally tearing your hair out at certain points, especially the mission raise the shipment. It’s the games stealthiest mission, having you sneak around a compound without the use of your cloak. If anyone see’s you its instantly mission failed. What makes it even more frustrating is, there’s a timed section near the end of the level in which you have to scramble around the base avoiding everyone and it becomes frustrating having to try and jump over buildings and avoid cameras. It’s almost like they want you to play the level several times and remember where to go at exactly the right moment, and it’s about as much fun as the holocaust.

The Aliens actually make an appearance in the game, which is quite happy about and you get to fight some genetically altered Predators which where previously in your clan but where captured, tortured and are now controlled and that is actually quite awesome to fight them.

Pros

The predator looks and sounds awesome

Fighting other predators is pretty awesome

The weapon Upgrades and Trophies are awesome

Executions are awesome and imaginative but kind of limited

Cons

The fact that the jumping and landing where you want to can never truly be mastered

The story was clearly written by a drunken beaver

The graphics in general look like they’ve been designed by an 8 year old

The fact that it turns into a hack and slash game with a poor combat system

The fact that the stealth parts aren’t really that stealthy

Non excitant checkpoint system

The plasma caster is horribly underpowered compared to its energy usage

The rate of energy depletion and the constant search for power

Some missions are insanely difficult and frustrating

The amount of help missions, I am the predator not a community support officer

So is this game worth buying?

I would say. If you can get hold of it for under a tenner it’s worth it, it has a little bit of replay value to gain the weapon upgrades but be prepared to tear your hair out. It’s probably best if you wear a rubber swimming hat or something

6/10

Assassins Creed 3

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 19:59:23 -0500

The massive list of things wrong with assassins creed 3.

- Horses get stuck, they stop, they won’t jump, they get stuck again, they constantly make annoying noises all the fucking time marr marr marr STFU there tank like and even for horses there very slow.

- The entire frontier feels like its been directly fucking copied from Red Dead Redemption just less parts to explore, less animals and quests and pretty much less everything!!

- The lack of shops. I’m being serious I didn’t find a single shop. I found a trader ONCE during the entire game. I don’t know if you can buy any weapons or upgrade your gear, it wasn’t on the map and I sure as hell walked around enough.

- If you want to walk around and explore then let there be an option for it
for us people who like to quick fire the missions, you end up fast travelling, only to fast travel again, and again, and again just to reach a single mission? Can’t I fast travel to the mission?
Has this just been added to make the game seem longer?

- You meet most of the evil character’s several times but you let them go? Seriously you must have at least 5 opportunities to kill The main Bad Guy before you finally do.

- The end is fucking abysmal. like EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CREED GAME THERES EVER BEEN, IT DOESNT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE IN THE SLIGHTEST.

- Ghosts? Projections? If creed just involved Connor, Etzio, Altair and any new assassins it would be good, if it was just a story that involved assassins and not these plotless new age stories that supposedly link things together? They just don’t need to be in there. The anymous is pointless and frustratingly shit. JUST GIVE US ASSASSINS. THAT’S WHAT WE WANT. You thought they might of worked this out after like 5 games but no, THERE FUCKING FRENCH OBVIOUSLY THEY HAVEN’T.

(SPOILERS)

- Why is Haytham not the last boss?
- Why does Connors tribe leave?
- Did Connor really have to kill his friend?? Could he not just knock him out?
- There is literally no fluidity when. Red running over rooftops. There to heavily populated with guards.
- Tree running is so unbelievably awkward
- Sailing is awkward
- Hunting Animals is SO FUCKING BORING
- Your constantly running up walls instead of going through or past them.
- Some of the missions are ridiculously difficult
- Guards STILL sence you even when your invisible
- Even if you fire a bow into someone 500ft away, guards can automatically see exactly where you stand when firing.
- You can attack one person and suddenly half a fucking army turns up?
- Seriously where can I upgrade?
- Are there even any costumes?
- When you play as Haytham, his robes are so fucking baggy?!?!?
- Near the end when you work together with your father, is he REALLY that reckless? Would he really just jump down and then go… Oh.. Connor save me?
- Hunting is lame? What can I even do with the animal skin? Sell it? To who? Can I even spend the money?
- Can you not headshot anyone with a pistol from close range? Are some people still a two hit kill ?

- Can I really only hold 8 arrows?

- Limit the amount of people I kill? What? I thought I was an assassin?
- The whole (Don’t leave this area) really? . . Massive open environment to explore and your confining me?

- What happens to Achilles?!
- Why am I suddenly helping the French?!

- The sewers are pointless I didn’t use them once, it’s quicker to struggle riding a horse.

- Some missions are really poorly laid out. find this house ‘points to entire city’ no direction or anything, you just have to hope.

- I thought I could recruit Assassins? I’ve seen one and he doesn’t even fucking help me!

THE GOOD BITS

+ starting a crowd riot is fun
+ Stabbing people in the throat and running away giggling uncontrollably is fun

(That’s it)

House Of Bones

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 19:48:21 -0500

House Of Bones.

(More like sack of shit)

‘If I don’t get my dads ball, he will pound me when I get home’.
Fritz. Fritz. Alarm bells.

A man with a ferret pony tail starts whispering in a really gruff voice, in that kind of obvious ‘I’m a pedophile, hey kids come into my basement’ kind of voice.

The only thing remotely creepy so far is the dudes ferret hair.

So the film is based around some ghost hunters investigating a haunted house.
Just a general rule I have of general common sense.. If you see a house that has

- Creaky doors
- Unexplained Bloodstaines
- A warning sign clearly labelled to avoid the place
- A creepy goblin like child that tells you it’s best to leave
- Shadowy figures appearing in the windows
- A head nailed to the front door

IT’S A SIGN TO AVOID THE FUCKING HOUSE

But then we wouldn’t have a film would we, so the team starts shooting this sci fi ghost bullshit in this creeky house.

They all start getting spooked because although the house is uninhabited
Suddenly..

OMFG THE FRIDGE IS FULL OF FOOD
OMG IM SO SCARED WE’RE ALL GUNNA DIE

Seriously, a scary fridge? They even play dramatic music.. All they need now is Nicholas Cage to run out screaming, OH NO, THE CHEESE, NOT THE CHEESE!

A guy picks an apple out and starts hallucinating, best reaction ever. He literally goes… err what my apple is mouldy, ah man< BAFTA still more expressions than Kirsten Stewart

There’s this strange blonde women who I think? Is a psychic? But she’s going round the house wobbling and murmuring stuff like.. We are surrounded by pain.. There’s so much pain in this house…. I love my chemical romance… Ghosts and shit….

Riiiight, she’s definitely on some dangerous acid trip.

One of the film crew tries to put a camera up, then the door closes behind him, he jumps and puts his fist straight through the wall xD le fail.

He then starts hallucinating once again, and see’s a ghost of that psychic chick in a wedding dress? He follows her into a shower.. Then.. Gets.. Pulled into the.. Wall
WTF JUST HAPPENED? THIS MAKES NO SENCE? It’s not even one of those OMFG moments, it’s literally just there to confuse you in the hope that somehow your own imagination works up some way of trying to scare itself. It’s tucking terrible.

The guys finally realise after about half an hour that one of the crew members has vanished… They run around like idiots searching for him

THEY EVEN FORGET THAT THEY’VE SET CAMERAS UP ALL OVER THE HOUSE AND FORGET TO CHECK THEM HURRRRRR

so they get upstairs near where the guy was taken and they find the end of a shoe with a toe inside? Which was slightly weird… A girls eye starts bleeding and she coughs up some hair… Then says

‘Something in this house got inside of me’….

;) merherher
this film isn’t exactly helping itself is it

They call the cops only because the women’s condition gets worse. (not because there friend has disappeared and they’ve found his foot, fucking idiots) the phone cuts out but a cop is sent along anyway. The cop picks up a shotgun, sees the gate is closed and decides to climb the gate.
Now can you see what wrong with this?
(Apart from the cop getting a standard call out brings an assault shotgun for protection)

Cop with Shotgun.
Gate locked.
Climbs gate.

? ? ? ? ? ? ?

YOU FUCKING IDIOT??? SHOOT THE LOCK???

Because of his god dam stupidity, the fence comes alive and stabs him. To be honest, he kinda fucking deserved that one.

The crew go upstairs, there’s a large hole In the wall and the guy that disappeared earlier.. His head is literally in the wall? Although inside the walls made of skin or something similar, his heads poking through, it literally looks like his head is turtle heading out of an anus xD he reaches out and gets sucked back in.

Sorry wuht ther ferk is going on xD

They try to get out of the house, but suddenly the doors are locked.

GLASS WINDOWS. SMASH THE WINDOWS
And he does. He throws his camera through the window.
The window repairs itself. He just lost his camera.

In the back of my mind all I could think of was..
TROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLL

FINALLY we get treated to what the hell this film is actually about!
The house is a plantation, and the first owner practiced black magic on the slaves.
Apparently the owner forced his slaves to bury other slaves in the walls of the house, to apparently build psychic energy… As one does… When one owns a plantation..

The black dude (who somehow didn’t die first) is in the attic filing when suddenly loads of spirits start floating around him, they literally look like flying sperm cells. What the hell?
Then he sees a plantation slave on the other side of the attic with half his chin ripped off… Now the special effects in this film literally look like they’ve been done by a guy straight out of primary school. The guys chin is still clearly visible it looks like he’s got red gunk PVA’d to his face. It’s fucking lame as hell.

Anyway one of the film crew is like a tupical nerd camera guy and drives around is little wheeled robot. Anyway, the nerd dude trips over a randomly placed ball. And gets stabbed eye by this little robot camera thing which is now quite strangely gripping a metal spike.

because thats just fucking convenient isn’t it.
Proper dodgy rubber bodies. Love it. How does he not die through? He has a bandage that’s actually more blood than bandage xD he’s just been stabbed through the eye by a huge spike? Would he not bleed out?

Anyway remember that pedo ferret dude, from the start? HE ACTUALLY TURNS UP turns up at the house.. He gets out of the taxi and is like

This taxi is fucking disgusting my toilet is cleaner rar rar rar I’m a stuck up piece of shit check out my ferret hair hey can I baby sit/rape you kids? Cool Here’s my card.

So he appears at the house, they film crew are still locked inside so they literally tell him they can’t get out. Now it’s pouring with rain and the ferret mans in the middle of no where so he decides to take shelter under the tree. When literally the tree

COMES ALIVE AND STABS HIM WITH ITS BLACE LIKE BRANCHES FUCK YEAH

Seriously did the writer of this fucking awful horror film just beforehand drink copious amounts of bleach or something? This is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen? This is worse than THE FOG and that’s actually fucking saying something. They’ve also killed off the ferret guy and he was the best thing about this film. With his Peadophillic Ferret hair.

I literally cannot be bothered to review the rest of the film. I started dribbling from boredom and you know that’s time to give up. This is the end.

- They make it out of the house.
- The find out they need to feed a well to.. I don’t even no, there outside why cant they just simply escape?
- The feed the well, everyone’s happy
- …..

ONE OF THE CREW GOES INSANE AND STABS EVERYONE. INCLUDING HIMSELF.

the end.

Now, I know what your thinking. Obviously it got the end and the actors where so ashamed of filming this, they only saw fit to kill themselves and I don’t blame them this film was absolutely fucking abysmal. And there literally at least 500 things wrong with this film. But seriously, who the fuck rights stuff like this? Why the fuck did I even watch is shitty film?

What the fuck even happened, I don’t even fucking know. None of it made sense it’s just an. Awful low budget piece of crap. It’s not even one of those crap films you watch when your drunk to get some cheap laughs. It’s literally bellow that.

THE VERDICT
Was it scary: Seriously, twilight was scarier.

Was it gory: No, I’ve seen gorier stuff on the cooking channel.

Would I watch it again: if I had the chance between watching this again or being slowly tortured to death I would choose torture.

Best quote: The End

Where the cast retarded: YES. Just YES.

What Stopped It From Becoming Better:

- The story
- The acting
- The fact that Ferret man died early.
- The obviously low budget
- The poor as fuck ending
- The regardless of EVERYTHING IN THIS FILM

0/10.

I literally think drinking petrol and swallowing a match is generally more entertaining than is film.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Pt.2 Rage Review

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 05:41:36 -0500

Twilight Break Dawn Part 2 Rage Review

Sparkly vampires fighting in fairy village. FIVE.

Now I’m not a great fan of twilight as you will find out when you read this review, because basically they’ve taken the concept of vampires and taken out everything that makes vampires who they are.

Vampires are undead creatures of Satan that feed on the living, bleeding them dry and living in the shadows stalking prey.

However, these vampires sparkle, they cry a lot, there skins covered in glitter and they suck everything BUT blood.

Now that might have been forgivable (maybe if I was wasted beyond recognition, and I’m talking about the kind of wasted where you wake up in a skip with a ferret under one arm and an empty bottle of jack under the other) but the pitiful character design is there least of there worries. (Haha and you thought it couldn’t get any worse than glittery vampires…

… You where wrong)

The storyline is absolutely fucking dire, basically there’s a random family (that aren’t even related there all adopted) vampires that live in the hills of this town called spoons or forks or some town with a really creative name and instead of using there time (since they will never die of old age) to become scientists and research cures of the deadly diseases, they use there time in stalking 17 year college girls. Is his name Edward Saville!?

I went to see this film at the cinema and honestly it’s the funniest film I’ve seen in months. It really is that bad that I sat there and laughed through most of it because it truly is awful. This is one of the only films I would recommend you go to see it in the cinema instead of buying it on DVD purely for the amount of troll moments that appear randomly.

Why wasn’t Nicholas Cage in the movie? Instead they hired even talentless people (I know I didn’t think they existed either). Anyway.

If you don’t know the ending of the last disaster I will explain, Bella and Edward do it, then like 4 days later Bella is pregnant, she goes to have the baby but because she’s human and the babies half vampire, the baby breaks Bella’s spine during birth. (Haha high five kid) So unfortunately Edward decides to finally turn her into a vampire just to keep the series going for one more film, possibly two. That is possibly the most retarded ending in the history of film making. A baby so powerful it breaks its mother’s spine during birth? What is it? An Alien?

So this film starts off, the vampire family are all having a little family meeting and Bella is introduced to her new little girl who they have given the stupidest name in the history of naming children. Renesmee. It’s like they wanted to combine Rene, and Smee. Literally as soon as there introduced Jacob pulls a jizzing face and then him and Bella run outside and she screams

YOU IMPRINTED ON MY BABY!!

Now my very first thought was, he’s jizzed on the baby hasn’t he.

YOU KNOW I CANT HELP WHO IT HAPPENS TO

Has Jacob got some sort of spontaneous ejaculation problem?

I can imagine him standing next to The Lonely Island and singing,

I saw a child and I… (8)

All the time Bella has the weakest facial expression ever, its like her very face has given up on life. She has no expression what so ever, no anger, no hate, nothing. She has the same acting skills as a dead rhino.

Seriously, her unrelated father in law buys her a house and she simply goes.

OH A HOUSE. Its like she feels nothing. She could be stabbed in the face and simply go.

Owe

That hurt

I’m in so much pain

Then we are treated to some really dodgy animation, as Bella randomly gains the speed of a Ferrari and runs through the forest at 900mph, and trust me this animation is so dodgy, she runs like Captain Jack Sparrow but without the humour, it just looks disgusting. She pulls a sex face during the entire run. And then out of nowhere, she see’s a dear and starts staring (I saw she starts, its her usual gormless look) then moments later

A WILD JAGUAR APPEARS

In a cold American town, jaguars have obviously started walking out of the natural habitat and travelled thousands of miles just to star in this abomination of a film.

The jaguar goes to attack the deer, and Bella does the greatest thing in the history of life.

SHE JUMPS INFRONT OF THE DEER, AND BITES THE JAGUAR OUT OF THE AIR. WITH HER ONE INCH FANGS. AND THE JAGUAR SIMPLY DIES.

WHAT. THE. HELL. (Db logic)

Anyway because Bella has gained these superpowers because she leapt onto a jaguar to save a deer she is super strong and how has vampire super powers. She gives the jock vampire an arm wrestle over a random boulder (because apparently loads of boulders are just hanging around the woods) and she like breaks his arm, then for fun just starts retarded laughing and kicking the rock. Why? I will never know.

So the child starts to grow up, and it goes through some really god awful changes. The baby is completely animated and im not joking it looks like the cross between an ape from Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Susan Boyle and the Mole on Lemmy’s face.

Not a lot happens in this film, after you see the ape child you find out that one of Edwards sisters randomly is walking over a hill and see’s this ape child and properly freaks out and goes to tell the corrupt vampire council that they have a pet ape.

We find out that pet ape’s are highly frowned upon in the fairy community because young apes are uncontrollable and often go on rampage killing hundreds of poor helpless humans and vampires alike.

Then they play this clip of Dakota Fanning picking up this random baby, who is literally straight out the pram he cant even stand up on his own, jam around his mouth, a little rattle in one hand and a bottle of milk in the other, Dakota smiles at the baby, then throws him

INTO A MASSIVE FIRE

I was in tears at this point, I haven’t laughed that much in so long. This film has gone from retarded to purely entertaining.

So the corrupt fairy government find out about the pet ape and goes on a glittering rampage when they find out that the Cullens are recruiting an army. But this is no ordinary army. Oh no, this is far greater than any army on this planet, the greatest army in the history of warfare.

THIS ISSPARTA!!!!

Don’t be silly it’s not that epic, this army is building to try and reason with the corrupt fairy comity. Instead of simply texting them or Tweeting them they decide to

RAISE AN ARMY

And when the CFC (Corrupt Fairy Committee) find out about this army they are enraged and decide to find random vampires and kill them. This poor Chinese blood, im not even sure he was a vampire, they basically gang rape him in a corridor randomly. Poor bastard.

The funniest thing in this film as well, in the CFC the leaders brother doesn’t stop gurning during the entire film. I you don’t know what gurning is, Google image it. It’s like when people pull the cross between a troll face and the face you pull when you’re disguising a fart.

The other thing that’s worth a mention, there’s clearly a lot of American XXX stars in this film, there all skinny teenage blondes with big mouths. Seriously, its scary how many there are.

Anyway Bella finds out that suddenly some vampires have magical powers including the ability to harness the power of the elements

WHAT IS THIS AVATAR

(No not the film with the blue people, the other one about the bender of air).

And the ability to make people see anything you want them to see. Anything.

One women has the ability to generate electricity, and out of all the powers Bella gets to be a human shield xD

LOOL

She basically vibrates and creates a force field around a single person as long as there close. Which is the lamest excuse of a power ive ever heard of in a vampire film?

Followed by more gurning.

So the ending of the film looms. The evil corrupt CFC line up at the end of a big snowy field and the good fairies at the other end. Now because there keeping the rating down to a 12a (because every fan of twilight as a ten year old girl) so this means.

- Very low amount violence

- No blood

- No gore

And im not going to lie compared to the rest of the film this bit was the most enjoyable, mainly because loads of people on both sides die. But because they can’t add any bloody gory effects, they act under the zombie survival rule. Everyone has to be beheaded. But wait I just heard you say there cant be any gore or blood and surely there would be copious amounts of blood if these vampires where being decapitated? What I here you say they cant be decapitated because that would be gory? So you mean

They have to PULL each others heads off? Without and blood?

Omg, it has to be the best idea EVARRR

I call it the Lego head scene because so many people are getting there heads either pulled of to a popping sound or mauled off by a werewolf, also to a popping sound.

Dakota Fanning gets absolutely annihilated by Jacob after killing one of his furry doggy buddies and there’s one of the CFC that stands there staring bluntly and two of these random polish vampires (WHOO HAV WAYTED WON THOUUUSAND YIRS TO FAYNALLY FAYCE THE VALLTORY) best accent evar. But this guys standing in a field staring, and the polish vampires line up either side of him, grab him and carry on running so he

TWISTS ROUND AND SNAPS IN HALF

Hahahaha xD what xD

The acting is truly terrible, more people start dying, Edward randomly dies, The dad, Alice’s boyfirned (You know the creepy retarded dude that looks paler than an Irish girl in Spain) and loads of other random people.

Suddenly from no where.. an

EARTHQUAKE FILLED WITH LAVA

Opens up on the battlefield, so many questions. WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY!!??!

Did they just become so bored with the useless story they thought they could add stupid amounts of CGI and a stupid boring ending?

People then seamlessly get sucked into the huge crater because that’s what everyone just does. If you see a huge burning hole in the ground you want to have a look at it don’t you.

And then everyone wakes up.

Im serious, it was all a dream no one actually died. The CFC where shown there future if they decided to attack. So they simply don’t attack and leave.

The End.

WHAT THE HELL THAT WAS COMPLETELY POINTLESS!!! THIS FILMS POINTLESS!!!!

SURELY THE GUY THAT COULD CONTROL THE ELEMENTS COULD OF JUST FUCKED THEM ALL WITH THE POWER OF THE SUN?

SURELY THE AMAZONIAN WOMEN COULD JUST MAKE THEM ALL SEE SOMETHING ELSE??!? WHAT THE HELL!!?!? WHY DIDN’T EVERYONE DIE!?!? THE FILMS MIGHT HAVE BEEN SLIGHTLY GOOD!!!

Resident Evil 1 Rage Review

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 09:13:27 -0400

Resident Evil Rage Review

Why does Alice gain magical powers? ….It’s a biohazard?
It’s not fucking star wars?

First things first, the new resident evil is a bad movie. I have stood by these resident evil films hoping they will get better and evidently they have gone from
bad to worse. The first film was brilliant and today I’m doing something different and reviewing a good film because it’s the only decent one.
The second was alright, the third was fucking awful.

There are so many plot holes in this film I don’t even have time to tell you about them, but I will try.

So there’s a hidden lab full of 400+ scientists researching biohazard weaponry in a secret facility and the mainframe computer that
controls the entire laboratory randomly goes on rampage to control the spread of the T virus and closes a few doors and moves a few
elevators about killing literally everyone inside.

HURR DURRRR

Then your introduced to Umbrella who are the worlds leading multi-national pharmaceutical/Technology/Weapons company.

Now answer me this. If there’s a possible virus that’s been unleashed in a lab and you’re the worlds leading company in Medicine if
your going to send any poor souls down there at all you could least give them an antivirus (if you don’t possess one at least give
them advanced medical supplies).

And I mean there also there leading in the worlds technology markets which brings me to there next point. If there leading the worlds
markets in technology then

WHY HAS THERE OWN SUPER COMPUTER KILLED EVERYONE

HURRRRR DURRRRRRRRRRRR

And there also the worlds leading company in weaponry?

LET’S SEND THEM DOWN WITH NORMAL UNHELPFUL GUNS ….

DB logic

So the Umbrella crack team and Obi Wan Alice wander into the lab completely unaware of the horrors that lurk within dun dun dun zombies.

They get to the bit where there’s several large containers filled with reddy pink goo and the commander of the Umbrella crack team actually says..

I think this is the canteen

YES TODAY WE ARE SERVING PINK GOO WITH A SIDE ORDER OF BRAIN YUMMY

Then the first zombie appears with a broken ankle, so she isn’t going very far. So she starts to stumble towards Rain with her ankle hanging off.
Now I’m not being funny right, if someone has these symptoms there probably not to healthy/dead

• Blood everywhere
• Visible ankle bone
• Gruff moaning / No speech
• Evil looking eyes
• Reaching out for your face

You do not at all costs shout at the zombie walking slowly towards

‘Hey, are you Ok? You don’t look so good…’

OH NO SHIT SHERLOCK

Then she shoots the zombie in the leg, completely ignores the fact that the zombies still walking towards her… I guess you have to kind of
respect the zombie for perseverance… And eventually the zombie bites her hand so she waits this entire time and only when the thing bites her
she blasts out a hadouken and flying kicks the zombie 15ft backwards.

If someone’s walking towards you with the intention of eating your face and you’ve already shot them in the leg and there still walking towards you

SHOOT THEM IN THE FACE, IT REALLY ISNT THAT HARD

Then seamlessly loads of zombies surround them and there all standing there like

ERRH NEERRH WHHERRRHT WEEH GEEENAH DEHHH

These zombies are moving… Maybe one foot a second and you have a gun… They take one bullet to the head… You have a gun… and as an outcome of this scene

One guy runs towards an elevator and gets pulled in by a crowd of zombies
Rain gets bit for a second time trying to save someone that clearly isn’t going to live
Brad gets set on fire and manages to shake the fire away by slowly waving his leg

Seriously watch this bit in the film, his leg gets set a light and he literally just goes

TADA

And the fire disappears? Ha they thought they would get away with that silly pyrotechnics… Can you imagine if rammstein where in charge of that scene…

DU HAST

Leg explodes violently and zombies start stripping off and dancing to chuggy industrial metal.

That would be a rather interesting film…

I really surprised that Obi Wan Alice hasn’t used her force lightning by now to fry some zombies or maybe tried to convert some zombies to the dark side.

So they come to this lazer grid, a few people walk in (I would be like haha yeah you guys go ahead Im going to wait back here and live)
and these blue lazer’s start jumping back and forward.. Everyone inside then becomes pieces of sliced tofu and there’s a really nice bit
where the commander gets sliced into a hundred pieces and his face falls part just as the laser stops. This film isn’t all bad.

So even though a computer controls the entire base and the entire laboratory is controlled by electronic locks they decide to EMP the place…
Now do you see something wrong with this idea…?

Entire laboratory…
Filled with zombies…
Every door is controlled by electric locks…

HEY GUYS HEY GUYS LETS USE AN EMP AND WIPE THE ELECTRICS

No Manni sit down.
Someone shoot that skrag-end please.

So they release even more zombies into the labs making there live even harder than it already is.

Rain gets bitten again for the 54th time and still amazingly hasn’t turned into a zombie who is a little strange because the others that
are bitten take about a minute to turn…

What even was the point of going down there? It wasn’t even to secure the virus it was simply to investigate the interference. So if I was
them and I saw some strange women with her ankle hanging out and then a huge ass crowd of undead walking towards me I would have got my hairy
ass out of there and called Umbrella like

Look, guys honestly we have al little bit of a problem.

Obi Wan Alice then starts having these really random flashbacks and using the force she works out that she worked for umbrella but wanted to
expose it so she made a deal with the dude from Ugly Betty and he accidently drops the virus next to an air con unit which conveniently
circulates around the entire building.

ERRRH MEEH GEERHHD

So they get onto the train to escape from the lab and one of the remaining survivors gets fucked by the licker. Not literally.

Just to explain it if you don’t already know.

Anything that gets hit by the licker is supposedly infected with the ‘G’ virus, which is like the ‘T’ virus only instead of re animated
dead cells a la zombie; it mutates the cells a la mutant.

So two people get hit by the licker, one of them gets fucked and you don’t see him again. Surely he would turn into something similar to
either a licker or a nemesis but he is simply tossed aside and forgotten loll fuck him not like he matters he had a stupid face anyway,
and his name was like Geoffrey or Barry or Gerald or something so…

Then Rain who has survived this entire film after being bit a total of 108 times and she’s standing there literally a nugget, all other
limbs have been ripped off and she’s still hanging on for dear life.. They find the antivirus and give it to her and she still turns into a zombie….

TROLOLOLOLOLOL

Then Obi Wan Alice randomly wakes up in another lab? HUH? Did I just miss something?? So she picks all of the needles and wires attached
to her body and walks through the lab… Down the road and conveniently finds a shotgun in a cop car. Because all cops leave shotguns visible
in there cars and simply leave the windows wound down

BECAUSE AMERICA IS REALLY SAFE :D

THE VERDICT
Was it scary: No
Was it gory: To a certain extent, Lazers and Zombies but no solid gore
Would I watch it again Yes definitely
Best quote: YOUR ALL GOING TO DIE DOWN HERE
Where the cast retarded certain cast members did act like Manni throughout
Rage Rating: 7.
What Stopped It From Becoming Better: The silly amount of plot holes throughout

Somebody Help Me Review

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 12:27:00 -0400

Somebody Help Me

>There… Are worse things than death…<

YEAH, THIS FILM

So on the case it says, remote cabin in the woods, friends disappear, locals unhappy, they discover something bad, So what I’m hoping for is a tossup between…

Resident evil 4 (the game not the fuck awful movie) Evil Dead, Hills Have Eyes, Cabin In the Woods, with maybe elements of Texas Chainsaw and Night Of The Living Dead, thrown in with Dead snow and Wrong turn.

Now, this films interesting because it has a few things most low budget horrors don’t. Its trailer is creepy, it shows a little girl similar to a blonde version of the orphan from.. The Orphan (Didn’t see that one coming) and it says 10 strangers, which means there are going to be plenty of deaths..

Also on the case worth mentioning, it says.. In the Order of Cabin Fever, Hills Have Eyes and Wrong Turn. It has no actual link to the film it’s basically said this film is a combination of films?

WHAT?

So anyway on with the actual review.

It starts off, decent creepy piano music.. Foggy.. A strange house.. A man.. (This is good, Resi Evil 4 like)

It pans out to a group in a car…

Hey babeh, how you feelin you turning 21 tomara, once you turn, we gunna have sex all day nd all night.

He’s black can you guess.

The cameras used are old school cameras. I don’t know if this is deliberate or just because the camera man could afford a NEW FUCKING CAMERA

It doesn’t matter about the cabin it’s who you’re in the cabin with

Oh look a cabin, blood on the table, head nailed to the door, guts all strewn over the table..

AS LONG AS IM WITH YOU: D

This film has SO MUCH ROMANTIC DRIVVLE I love you, I love you, I love you…..

So this couple are making out and the guy looks over the girls shoulder to find an old guy staring at them

PEADOPHILE’S UNITE

The guy who sees the man doesn’t even react? What??

I’m surprised he didn’t say something like ‘If he’s my new neighbor why don’t I get some welcome present like some Jelly or Cake or shit’.

They guys go down to get some food from the store and meet the sheriff (all the time the pedophile from last night watches them) the sheriff explains.. Oh those guys got a cabin right next to yours; he’s just slow he wouldn’t hurt a fly.

WOW. I WONDER WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN.

This film is more like an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air than any horror film I’ve ever seen.

So finally they start drinking.

I THINK IT MIGHT JOIN THEM IF IM GOING TO SURVIVE THIS FILM

So there’s a little bit more of a party going on, some more people join the death list and they all end up doing what most American teenagers apparently do. Drinking and fucking.

So the black dude starts dreaming of the little blonde girl from the trailer. Who now has a devil voice and sounds more like the Cannibal Corpse singer. If you saw that in real life it would be creepy.

He hears a noise and starts wandering around the house, alone. The soundtrack kicks in (That’s been the only good thing about this film so far) He looks buts finds nothing.. As soon he turns around.. A MAN WALKS BEHIND HIM DUN DUN DUUUUN

So he wakes up and finds out his friends are missing because last night they went to go fuck in the woods, as one does. Oh look a bed that looks comfy

NO I WOULD RATHER FUCK ON THE COLD MUD IN AMONGST LEAVES AND RABBITS

Yeah we called there cell phone and there’s no answer it goes straight onto voicemail.

WELL MAYBE THERE ON FUCKING O2

The main girls walking about the house and the pedophile walk through the back of the shot again.

It’s like he’s walking about their house all day? What’s he doing xD How haven’t they seen him?

So they decide to do the clever thing and call the sheriff.

The some mad black bitch comes out of nowhere and breaks the phone

AW HEL NAW WHY YALL TRYEN FUCK BOUT MA BFS OUT DER AND YOU LEFF HIM? WHY DA FURK YA LEAVE HEM FUR??

She is one angry motherfucker.

One of the guys is wearing a Rolling Stones top. This film just became shit.

You hear some guy screaming about Barbara! That’s about the only similarity to night of the living dead. Anyway you see this girl strapped to a chair with a gag on, which kind of resembles Hostel/Saw in a way

The guy next to her dressed up in a doctors outfit snaps on his rubber gloves.

MAYBE HE’S JUST THERE FOR A ROUTINE CHECK UP

Sniffs her hair

OK SO I WAS WRONG

Cuts her ear off in slow motion

I WAS VERY, VERY WRONG

It turns out he just wanted her ear it’s all good.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

So the sheriff comes to the house and takes the girls camera.. Maybe to fap over the photos and maybe to use the photos to find the people.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

So it goes back to the torture chamber bit, and the 2 or 3 people that went missing are all locked up inside animal cages..

Back to the chair with the gag, different women this time and again the doctor injects her ear..

MAYBE HE’S JUST THERE FOR A ROUTINE CHECK UP

Injects her forehead

OK SO I WAS WRONG

Makes an incision at hair line

I WAS VERY, VERY WRONG

Scalps her and removes hair like from saw 2

HOW WRONG COULD I BE

Starts sewing on the other girl’s hair

…. Hang on what?

So the sheriff’s talking to his deputy..

You know that incident that happened around the same time 3 years ago, when those teenagers got drunk and disappeared up in the woods do you sheriff?

NO IT SOUNDS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT TO OUR CASE

If I ever hear you talk about the incident again I will have your badge you know where not supposed to talk about that.

WHAT

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

So the guys decide to investigate the pedophiles house and leave the girls alone. The girls decide to watch from the balcony and suddenly

AW HEL NAH I NEED A SHET

Half hour later the lonely balcony girls turns around and surprise surprise a guy is behind her and sprays like.. A sleeping potion on her? What is this?

POKEMON?

He hides and the girl from the toilet who just let out a Cleveland steamer see’s the dude and like..

Dropkicks him? Angry motherfucker.

She runs around the house falling over several times and manages to lock herself inside a room. She tries to call someone, and the dudes standing right next to her. He sees her lock herself inside the wardrobe. He waits until she gets out, and appears like

HEY HOWS IT GOING

And she screams and rolls backwards downstairs.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The guys knock on the guys house, but quickly run back to investigate.

They don’t find the bodies so obviously the guys just carried two full grown women out over his shoulder in about 30 seconds..

Surprise.. The last two guys left alive are the main character and the dude that’s been scared and stuck with people the entire film.. He hasn’t ran after noises and jumped in front of cars.. This guy, although he is stuck as fuck is the best character because he has obviously watched a horror film before unlike 99% of every horror film character.

So the 2 survivors go back to the pedophiles cabin and find loads of pictures of them stuck up to a board in his house.

Really quickly it pans back to the torture chamber and a guy is getting his eyes ripped out, and his toe nails ripped off, I’m starting to think this guy isn’t a qualified doctor.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The cop goes inside the pedophiles house to search.. Then comes out a second later and supposedly has found nothing?? Strange that… It’s almost like he’s working with him.

A girl locked in a cage then suddenly dies because she doesn’t have her inhaler?

The sheriff turns up at the torture chamber completely at random and gets his throat slit.

WHAT THE FUCK

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The survivors go back to the cabin to get there stuff, when they come out again they check the engine and it looks like the hulk took a shit everywhere.

So it goes back to the torture chamber and a guys getting all of his teeth ripped out.. he gets an injection in his cheek.. But it goes in that deep that surely the needle would of gone through his cheek and the fluid just into his mouth xD

Then the unqualified doctor suffocates him with ductape. Why? Literally none of this film makes sense.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

So a random stranger is driving down the road, spots to black dudes with their hoods up both carrying base ball bats and casually asks if they want a lift?

FUCK ME HES A BRAVE BASTARD

He invites them into his house so they can use a phone.. He walks out the room.. Really surprisingly there isn’t a dial tone..

OMG IT’S ALMOST LIKE HE’S THE MURDERER

The murderer pops out as they start to walk out but the clever survivor just randomly falls over and faints? Huh? The other one runs outside..

Jumps in the police car which still had keys inside (Obviously he was like)

FUCK MY FRIEND HE WILL BE FINE

So the lone survivor finds out the murderer is actually a plastic surgeon who killed his wife and escaped an asylum. (Much like mike from Halloween)

He hears the doctor and runs around the corner, he freezes and hopes the doctor doesn’t see him… pulls a face that slightly resembles a man seeing Susan Boyle’s cock for the first time.

He runs back to the cop car and mysteriously a shotgun has appeared? Then a random ball appears and hits the car window… The guy turns around the blonde orphan is outside the car.. The child actor jumps slightly at the survivor jumping hahaha xD

Then he starts talking to her? She doesn’t exist she’s a ghost surely? The murderer looks at the girl and walks towards the survivor… He sees the fog from the start of the film.. the murder takes an axe to his face?

Then he walks up back in the police car…. WHAT THE HELL

The blonde girl appears by the window like before (tbh right now I would just open the door in her face and run like fuck with the shotgun) She asks if he found his friends… Then asks him to follow her… She says her names Daisy; she’s seen his friends sleeping in a very dark place… She shows him where his friends are… Apparently the doctor’s called Corbin.

FINALLY A FUCKING NAME

She unlocks the door to the torture cabin… This is rather strange… She must be a friend of Corbin… The survivor walks upstairs in the cabin and finds a few of his friends in cages still alive, then daisy yells up to him that corbins back and runs out.. Then Corbin opens up a cage and takes the main guys girlfriend… Surely he has a shotgun he could save her??? Where is he? Is he just casually sitting back and relaxing?

YO GUYS IMAH SIT THIS ONE OUT, YOU GO AHEAD AND GET KILLED

So daisy shouts out, Corbin lets the girl in the chair go and goes outside, the main character mysteriously pops up and saves his girlfriend. They jump out the window.

Why hasn’t someone simply overpowered this guy he looks old? Its not like mike myers who’s 9ft tall or Leatherface who had the chainsaw, Freddy with the knife fingers.. This guy looks more Pual O Grady?

There’s so much needless chasing in the film, chase hide chase hide chase hide.. Ugh..

Apparently this films on 90 minutes long? My ass, it’s been at least 3 and still nothing’s happened.

So finally the main character jumps up and stabs the murderer. He doesn’t hit his neck just to make sure so chances are he’s going to wake up. Daisy leads them back into the chamber

WHO THE FUCK IS DAISY AND WHY IS HELPING THEM

So they all come up into the chamber where everyone’s caged up, then the punchline..

OH GUYS IM SORRY I FORGOT THE KEYS… THERE IN CORBINS POCKET

So he goes back and surprise the bodies moved, and Corbin jumps out and ninja kicks the main guy over… then have a little man wrestle session, and the main guy knocks him out.. Searches him.. But

SHIT NO KEYS

He turns around to search the place.. and a second later he turns around and Corbin has disappeared?

1. WHY HASN’T HE JUST BROKEN THE GUYS NECK?

2. HOW COME CORBIN HAS NINJA SKILLS?

3. WHY AM I STILL WATCHING THE PIECE OF SHIT

Corbin appears from the same place he did a second ago, apparently no one closes doors in this film.

He knocks over the main character, draws out his knife and goes to stab him.

……………………………….……………………………….……………………………….……………………………….………………………………

Seriously before you read the next bit, take a second and gave a guess what happens next?

……………………………….……………………………….……………………………….……………………………….………………………………

An old guy appears and shoots Corbin in the back.

IT WAS THE PEDOPHILE

……………………………….……………………………….……………………………….……………………………….………………………………

Cuts out to the final scene, apparently the body disappeared (lust like Halloween) and there wasn’t a girl called Daisy inside, apparently she never existed? But they put up road blocks so they will find him.

So believe it or not it cuts out to the edge of town where being traffic’s being searched…

Daisy is next to the car next to Corbin and they simply drive off into the sunset…

POSSIBLY THE MOST BORING FUCKING ENDING THAT IVE EVER SEEN.

AND IT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENCE.

1. Why the fuck did the pedophile come to the rescue?

2. Why the fuck was the pedophile even there?

3. Daisy? Explain? WTF?

4. Why did the girl just die because she didn’t have an inhaler? WTF?

5. Did Corbin go to ninja school?

THE VERDICT

Was it scary: No

Was it gory: Yes, eye gouging, teeth removal, scalping

Would I watch it again: No, after that ending? You fucking kidding me?

Best quote: SHIT GUYS I FORGOT THE KEYS

Where the cast retarded: Mostly aside from one lone guy which makes a change

Rage Rating: 1.

The only thing saving this from dropping below 1 is the torture scenes. Someone had obviously put a little bit of effort into those scenes, just

NOT THE REST OF THE ENTIRE FUCKING FILM

So in the end the only way it tied to any of the films was the torture scenes from Hostel and the way Corbin simply would die and kept coming back for more. It was a complete let down of a film. Never watch this. Ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOroFyXQjjM

Thanks for reading. Btw, they made a second one.

OH FUCK NOT A SEQUEL

Day Of The Shit. (I mean dead)

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 03:04:36 -0400

DAY OF THE DEAD

Half decent zombie films are like gold dust. Every zombie film give or take the odd few (Zombie land, Resident Evil) in the past 20 years has been complete and utter bollocks. And this one stood out as being one of the worse ones, and trust me worse is the understatement of the century. This film is literally the worst zombie film I’ve seen in years, its supposed to be a remake of the George Romero classic but it literally has NOTHING to do with it. NOTHING.

It’s not even set in the fucking DAY TIME. And having a title like DAY of the dead I would have thought that would be the main setting of the film but NO.

What they’ve basically done here is entice everyone with a really famous title and completely ignored EVERYTHING about the original.

The might as well of just called it Friday the Thirteenth and set the entire film on FUCKING WEDNESDAY.

There are so many bad points about this film, even when I write this I’m becoming angry at the disgraceful piece of drivel. Im going to take great pleasure in destroying this film.

The zombies are on steroids. They’ve got from the WALKING dead, to something close to Olympic athlete. Seriously, these zombies have gained superpowers. Somehow this virus has KILLED them, and made them STRONGER.

WELL THAT MAKES ABOUT AS MUCH SENCE AS A VIRGIN HOOKER.

You see zombies sprinting faster that Usain Bolt and Jumping over CARS. They could probably shit out a sequel where the zombies gain the power to turn INVISIBLE and can FUCKING FLY.

There’s a scene where they get to a military outpost on the edge of the city and the zombies start SHOOTING. Don’t even get me started. This is just retarded roid zombies going batshit crazy.

The film has literally NO direction. Its just random scenes thrown together to show off the big budget. A bit like transformers really. Films can have shit graphics if the storyline’s half decent BUT NO. This is yet ANOTHER film that’s like…

We have money so that means EXPLOSIONS AND FIRE, maybe we should make a story EXPLOSIONS AND JUMPING ZOMBIES, and maybe a decent character development GUNS AND SHOOTING THINGS.

The characters are so fucking flat. Ving Rhames who I would of thought might of saved the film, gets killed really early on and comes back as a legless zombie. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN. He’s a good god damn actor? And instead of casting him lead they chose to hire MENA SAVARI? From American Pie? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Even the case is retarded, instead of going with the normal zombie theme and having normal undead of the cover they’ve got a zombie CHUNDERING. And its not even chunder, lets be honest we’ve all seen a mate chunder and there’s always bits of carrot and onions (even if they haven’t eaten any for days its always there and you know it)

And the chunder on the case looks like thick green goo? Like the zombies have been eating nothing but gunge. Its retarded sort it out.

The next thing that really fucking got on my tits, the zombies right. They have a LEADER zombie. And that really annoys me. Zombies are supposed to have really basic senses. This is a normal zombie thought pattern.

… . Food… . Food… Food… Food…

Yet in this film the thought pattern is more like

… Oh a car I must jump over it… I’ve gained advanced social skills im going to plan with my fellow undead… Oh ive just learnt how to use a fire arm even though my brains hanging out, of my fucking nose… . Oh look a giant fire I must walk into it…

That leads me to my last point. The ending scene. The survivors are trapped in a bunker in a room with loads of RANDOM MISSILES. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So what they do is, they set the missile’s off and stand behind them.

Now, im not being funny but if you set a missile off and stand behind it, after the explosion your going to look like… Well… If you imagine getting sucked through a plane engine… Followed by. . Being eaten by a ravenous bear and shat out… It would look something like that..

Instead… FIRE comes out of the missile.

FIRE.

OUT OF A MISSILE.

And what’s even MORE retarded (Yeah trust me its gets better) the zombies see the huge fire, and they all seamlessly RUN INTO THE FIRE.

There super clever zombies, full of steroids and yet ignoring EVERY OTHER ZOMBIE FILM EVER they run into the fire and die.

This film is fucking awful, it was obviously written by the French. Im surprised that zombies didn’t run around with there noses held high shouting HAW HEE HAW HEE HAW HEE HAW.

But most of all, the most retarded thing in any zombie film Ive ever seen. Ever. This is beyond the retardedness of the usual survivors that are like OH A NOISE I MUST INVESTIGATE die. Or DID YOU HEAR THAT CHAINSAW I MUST GO AND SEE die. There is one vital key element of this film which makes it worse than every other zombie film ever made.

It has a Vegetarian Zombie.

It’s ok though because he DOESN’T EAT HUMANS. In fact he’s part of the undead weight watchers scheme. He’s often down the undead gym working on his rotting muscles. Ok maybe that didn’t happen but seriously, there’s a vegetarian zombie.

There must have been a group of people sitting around a desk somewhere in the world thinking about the plot of this film, and one guy must have jumped up and shouted

‘LET’S IGNORE LOGIC, IN FACT LET’S COMPLETELY IGNORE ALL SENCE OF NORMALLY WHAT SO EVER’

And the others in the room must have been like…

WAIT A MINUTE THIS GUYS REALLY ONTO SOMETHING

Seriously guys pull the dick out of your ass and write something that’s at least semi normal and not FUCKING RETARDED.

The Verdict

Was It Scary: No, unless your 4 years old

Was it Gory: Very few bits of gore?

Would you watch it again: Never, ever again.

Best quote: Kill him he’s a zombie! No! It’s ok! He’s a vegetarian!

Did you suicide from boredom: Before the film even started

Did the cast deserve to die: yes, oh god yes.

Rage Rating

2/10

The Amityville Haunting Review

Wed, 26 Sep 2012 18:11:56 -0400

OK so this is yet another film that’s jumped on the paranormal bandwagon.
I could tell right from the start this film was going to be one of those films that includes:

‘Chainsaw sounds really loudly’
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
Hear what, I didn’t hear anything? Did you hear anything?
NO BECAUSE I HAD MY DICK IN MY EAR AND I CAN’T HEAR SHIT.

‘Guy waves and walks past screen in the background’
OMG I THINK I SAW SOMETHING!! DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT!!
See what? I didn’t see anything?
BECAUSE IM BLIND IN BOTH FUCKING EYES.

And what do you, it starts off with a group of teenagers randomly trying to get into a
an abandon house to start a party. Why not have it at home? why not hold a party somewhere that isn’t A MASSIVE DARK HAUNTED AS FUCK WOODEN HOUSE.

simply because there blonde Americans and they enjoy being used as paranormal cannon fodder. I fact this is what they should call this film. PARANORMAL CANNON FODDER,

So they get inside the house and explore the house. I give it less than a minute before something happens. And suddenly..

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT! There’s nothing there? (One point for me)

Then they lay 6 cans of beer on the table, SIX what kind of party can u have with 6 dam beers? Did they invite the local fucking nuns along for a rave as well?
Then suddenly..

OMG THIS IS SO CREEPY.’Walks into room’ (two points)

Then the blonde girl says, I wonder if somebody died in here?
Even though at the start, literally two minutes ago she told the group that the family was killed in this house. YOU DAM FUCKING ANIMAL.

Then a second later girls having sex in the bathroom, but the camera goes all funny and were surprised to believe its the paranormal making it fuzzy but we all know its just saving us looking at her fucking disgusting face. She has the face somewhat crossed between a disappointed orphan and a squirrel that had recently been run over by a land rover.

Another girl gets here tits out, which are slightly smaller than 12 years olds.. There’s more nipple than boob. Ugh. Anyway she turns around and before you know it.. You hear screams and.. That’s it.. You hear screams.. What happened?

What annoys me as well, at the start if the film it says.. This footage is real.
Obviously not. Sorry but its as false as DB’s fucking bank account.

Back to the couple in the bathroom going at it. The guy gets thrown back like he’s attached to a bungee (which looks hilarious) and fake blood (which looks more like soup, because its thick.. What the shit has that dude been eating) gets thrown everywhere as he screams like a little sheep. He left the door open, he deserved it.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

So it cuts to a new family going into the same house with a sales women.
The women says to them ‘are you sure about this one we have some other available in the area’ what does that tell you about the house? Then the guy goes..

No I have a good feeling about this one..

(House where 8 people have been brutally murdered by literally nothing)
SEEMS LEGIT!

It cuts to them all outside the family are talking and the sales women is standing there looking from side to side all shaky. Worst fucking acting ever. I hope she dies.

Best scripting ever, brace yourselves.

Mum: is that a bedroom.
SalesWomen: Yes, that is… A bedroom..

REALLY I THOUGHT IT LOOKED MORE LIKE A RANDOM HOLE IN THE FUCKING WALL

Daughter: I love the house
Mum: She doesn’t know what happened here does she

IF YOU DO, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BUYING IT YOU CRETIN

then they go outside to find the sales women has collapsed outside.
(Maybe I spoke to soon when said I wanted her to die LOL)

BANG…. What was that… Moves closer… (3) then it cuts out.. Nothing happens? Again?

So the guy says lol my sisters door just opened lets investigate (that was planned at all) so he walks in and the camera starts to violently flicker.. If your epileptic you would psycho-raving right now. Then a blob on the screen appears and the guys like

NOOOOO IT’S A FUCKING BLOB AAAAAH

Wow, this films shit.

Then one f the guys moving the furniture.. Randomly.. FALLS DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS? WHAT? And the blood coming out of him.. Is soup.. Beyond soup.. How would he bleed at quickly?? He fell down the stairs?? What did he land on? Did he randomly fall on there industrial titanium steps that are commonly found in most American households??

Then the family just carry on?? Like nothing had happened? A girl randomly dies? Then a delivery guy? Then the son goes to his mom.

Do you think the house is haunted?

NO SON, THOSE PEOPLE DIED BECAUSE WE HAVE A LOVELY HAPPY HOUSE.
is the son just fucking retarded??

Then out of no where the mum gets angry and something very rare in this kind if film happens.

Good.
Acting.

I was horrified.

Also, the daughter has the biggest fucking mono brow, she looks like the sugar puff monster after a mild stroke.

Then it cuts to the guy in his bedroom and he’s like.. My door just opened.. Then it slams shut and he’s like,

THAT COMPLETELY NORMAL MY DOOR SLAMS SHUT ALL THE FUCKING TIME

Then it starts trying pull some story out about the young girl making breakfast for someone that don’t exist (DIRECT COPY FROM PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3)

Then the dads like„ our front door was wide open all night..

IM GOING TO COMPLETELY IGNORE THIS BECAUSE THE HOUSE IS FINE, INFACT IM GOING TO NAME IT TO

THE SUNSHINE FUCKING HOUSE OF HAPPINESS AND LOVE.

So it cuts to the son in the, it flickers and there’s a guy in the background.. Then he disappears when it flickers again… Lame fucking acting

Then the sons helping his dad put up a camera.. And the toolbox falls off the desk. (You can even see the string pulling it)

Son: oh no, what was that.

WTF DO YOU THINK IT IS? THE FUCKING WIND??

So the security camera in the room, and now the guys video taping his room.

WAIT A SECOND
THIS IS A DIRECT COPY OF PARANORMAL ACTIVITY?

it keeps cutting back to the security camera, the door opens and the house alarm is set off.
So the guy comes downstairs.
With a gun.

what does he expect to do? SHOOT A GHOST?

Good luck to you sir xD

It even says Day 3, Day 4, just like paranormal activity.

I can’t even take the daughter seriously her mono brow is so fucking big, she looks like a caveman. She starts wyning and all I could think was Jesus Christ, shave your face.

This just a copy of another film.

I bet in the next few scenes the following happens.

The camera flashes
A door slams shut
Something falls of a desk and smashes
The lights flicker
Things randomly get pulled by string

It goes back to the daughter, an d mysteriously her mono brow has disappeared? She actually shaved her face? Haha xD so far the only thing that’s been scary in this film is that girls face. And now that’s gone, this film has nothing.

The camera cuts out and you have to listen to some more pathetic dialog.

Black screen..

Black….

Screen…

I’m not going to lie, I almost fell asleep. This film is so shit. Every so often it cuts back to the kid and he starts going off on something similar to something Malcolm in the middle? He talks about what happened throughout the day.

I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, IM WATCHING THE FUCKING FILM

(unfortunately)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

So this random guy randomly starts walking around the house and comes in through the back door.

The father, leaps into action like a fucking ninja and grabs the guy around the throat shouting. (I will try and translate this)

WADDAFUCK WADDAFUCK AAAAH

Has the man turned into Kim Jong iil’s retarded ninja son?
The dad pulls out his gun to the random guy (who’s his daughters friend LOL)

So his daughters friend walks out with his fingers raised and gets violently pulled off camera. The camera can’t follow what’s happening because the guy holding it

DOESN’T HAVE ANY FUCKING ARMS

You just hear some lovely crunching noises…

The door opens and a shadow walks in..

The only thing separating this from paranormal activity is, paranormal activity has that bassy noise when something’s about to happen.

So they call the cops, the policeman comes.. This man is no ordinary policeman.. This man is beyond the skill of Norml policemen. It’s is a quote.

‘I searched the bins, the tables and even the trees, there is nothing here.

He searched there bins to find someone? Can u imagine how pissed you would be if you found a guy living in your trash can??

HE EVEN SEARCHED…. THE TREES?

Just incase this is all some misunderstanding and in fact has been a
DEMON FUCKING MONKEY
This entire time.

This cop deserves a medal.

He even says, il come back in the day time to make sure I didn’t miss anything.

So the cop reckons.. Even if he was hiding in a tree.. And the cop didn’t see him.. He’s going to come back in the morning, because chances are

HE MIGHT OF WAITED 12 FUCKING HOURS FOR NO FUCKING REASON

Now I’m looking at the film case and it says an hour and twenty minutes.
It feels like I’ve been laying here typing this out for at least 3 fucking hours.

The pictures on the back of case show people with there guts out and bodies.. So I was kinda of looking forward to this movie.

HOW WRONG COULD I BE.
I look up at the screen and it says 33 minutes remaining.
FUCK MY LIFE.

The cop leaves.

Three people have died in the house. Would the cop not put the house under observation?

Now half of me at this point in time is thinking.

PLEASE GOD
MAKE IT BE A
ROGUE PREDATOR

but I know in my heart, this idea has no hope ;’(

Then the women says.

‘Our doors where locked, how could anything get in’.

MAYBE SOMEONE… UNLOCKED THE DOOR…..

So forensics come and they have is nice long chat about who died.
And suddenly…

A ghost appears on the far right of the screen in the doorway.

This is not shocking, scary, anything.. I felt nothing but sadness for the poor ghost

The ghost doesn’t move, for the entire conversation. Stands motionless. Like its standing there like..

SHIT, I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT TO DO

I looked up, cried, started typing about 3 seconds after the oat appears.. Typed out about 5 lines and he was still standing there like… Shit sorry guys totally forgot wtf im doing

xD
More and more and more fucking useless boring conversation.

The son starts saying pointless things like..

OMG IM SCARED (kind of hoping he dies next)

Then the son goes I’ve never seen so many cops in my life… (You only ever see 1)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A guy with a suitcase is outside the house. The son runs up like, SIR, are you here to help us??

NO SON IM JUST OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE

OMG

I AM THE GHOSTLY GORILLA THAT HID IN THE TREES ALL NIT ONLY TO RETURN TO STEAL YOUR GUTTERING.

DUN

DUUUUUUUUUUN

unfortunately this film isn’t THAT exiting and trust me I doubt it gets better.

So the guy with the suitcase leaves his case on the shelf and walks off.
Which leaves the son all curious. He walks up and opens it to find

A DOUBLE ENDED DILDO AND SOME POT

no I’m just kidding of course it wouldn’t be that are you crazy.
By now is film is that boring I just want anything to happen, anything at all no matter how crazy.

So the guy with the case starts loading cameras everywhere.

Another fucking regarded quote comes up.

Son: how did you get that cut on your face, did you burn yourself.

YES I STOOD IN FIRE AND GOT CUT BY THE SHARP HEAT.

Son: are you some kind of paranormal investigator?

NO, IM PUTTING CAMERAS IN YOUR HOUSE SO I CAN WATCH YOU SLEEPING

by this time I was throwing my hands in the air like..

HOW RETARDED CAN YOU BE?

The camera pans out to the one on the wall overlooking the case guy.

OMG THERE’S A ZOMBIE BEHIND HIM it’s not scary at all. No music. No shocks nothing. It’s film lacks any kind of atmosphere.

The guy turns around, stares straight at the zombie but it disappeared. Even though he was staring straight at it.

It should end like, someone next door was smoking some Mary Jane and it got into there air con unit, and was slowly dispersed through the house causing them to become delirious.

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The case guy walks outside
Randomly from no where.

A MOTHERFUCKING ELECTRIC CABLE HITS HIS FACE AND STICKS TO HIM

WHAT… THE FUCK… The most random death scene in any film award goes to…

The door opens, then closes. Mum walks down stairs and dads crying.

None of this film makes much since, it just seems like random events are thrown together.

The family have a Little family gathering in the kitchen and the lights go off

OH NO NOT THE LIGHTS

when they come on, the zombie is standing behind the women… But for some reason they can’t see him..

Mom: we have a new plan, were going to pack our bags and leave.

WHY DIDN’T SHE SAY THIS AN HOUR AGO BEFORE PEOPLE STARTED GETTING KILLED

So the dad comes back with a bag full of crucifix’s, a wooden rod, and… A Buddha?

Has he lost it? Since when was his best ate a paranormal investigator?

APPARENTLY YOU GET A LOT OF THEM IN AMERICA

Although saying that. You probably fucking do.

There’s a random child that keeps appearing. Keeps talking to the youngest daughter.
Is he connected to the zombie that keeps appearing? Who fucking knows, who fucking cares.

The dad starts going mental at his kids.. He starts shouting like

WE ARE AT WAR.

Then.. Starts saluting the bookshelf??

Pulls out a gun? Throws it on the floor?
Goes prone? Starts crawling away?

WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK is happening

He starts slapping the floor. This man is the ultimate troll. HE IS

THE FLOORSLAPPER

DUN

DUUUUUUN

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The next piece of footage was filmed between 3 and 4am.

This is the last ten minutes. It has ten minutes to redeem itself. Good fucking luck.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Ok, a shot of the stairs… A noise, sounds and a grey blob jumps at the camera

The next bits quite funny.

Sugar puffs light flickers, she wakes up screaming.
Suddenly, her body starts FOLDING IN HALF?
The it comes up on the screen

FILM CORRUPTED FILM CORRUPTED FILM CORRUPTED

They tried to make it scary by making It

NON EXISTENT?

She then appears in bits all over the floor.
This film is lazy, this is sloppy and is is fucking unacceptable.

Jumping noises go off, lights turn on.. Nothing is scary what so ever..
The mum walks into the kitchen and gets dragged out and the lights flicker.

The zombie appears, again? Little sound, no atmosphere. Not scary.

They all keep splitting up? The son walks downstairs and finds his mum..

ON NO SHE’S DEAD didn’t see that one coming.

The looks the cross between darth mauls faggot sister and the skinned people from predator.

He turns around and the zombie guy is there behind him (didn’t see that one coming) not.

The dad wakes up and his daughters beside him. Randomly. (A lot of things randomly happen can you tell?)

SHE FUCKING STABS HIM FOR NO FUCKING REASON.

THE END!

wait… THERE’S MORE?

it comes up with all of there death certificates..

Dad: stressed levels high, stab wound. Died from loss of blood.

Mum: third degree burns

Son: Blood loss

this is the best one

SugerPuff: Spine separation, heat separation, lung separation.

She was killed by blood loss? Not that half of her body was missing, blood loss? P

THE END

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

THe Verdict

Was it scary? NO.
Was it gory? NO.
Would you watch it again? Yes, pissed to make fun off it,
Best quote? How did you get the ut, where you burned.
Did you want to suicide through boredom? YES.
Where the cast retarded? FUCKING YES

Rage Rating. 0.2 out of 10

Thanks for reading

Piranha 3DD Review

Tue, 28 Aug 2012 21:35:20 -0400

Pirahna 3DD Or in Spanish. (El Tits)

Now judging by the last film which i thought was complete shit, this one

was also going to be complete and utter.. You guessed it

BOLLOCKS

The last film involved animated fish eating models in the water.

HOW FUCKING LOVELY

and it was, lovely. There where some genuinely funny moment, like when this

redhead that resembled an orc got chewed in half and her body was flung in the

air like a ragdoll, I almost wet myself.

So Onto Pirahna 3DD.

It starts off with a news flash about the last film and how the area is now

completely abandoned. You learn the following things:

It shows at least 10 boats that have seemlessly crashed AND SOMEHOW OVERTURNED?

into the shore for no reason. HOW WOULD IT RANDOMLY OVERTURN ON SAND??

HAHA, IM GOING TO BE SAFE FROM THE SMALL FISHIES IN MY BIG BOAT.

oh wait a massive beach, I must of missed that

BECAUSE IM FUCKING BLIND.

Then the news reporter says a shocking question. ‘We are left wondering, did

it really happen here’.

NO, THERES JUST FUCKING DEAD BODIES EVERYWHERE BECUASE OF THE HOLOCAUST

YOU FUCKING MEATSACK.

So, some Redneck fisherman are.. Fishing in a nearby lake and they find a

Plastic dear in the lake, so naturally they jump in and

FUCKING HARPOON THE BASTARD

Then once they do. The plastic deer.. Get this.. It farts a fish egg out..

WHAT.. THE.. ACTUAL.. FUCK..

Then pirahna’s then eat em both, but before the the title scene pops up

Gary Busey pops out of the water and bites a pirahna’s head off.

AAAALRITEY THEN

Were then introduced to THE BIG WET waterpark, there advertisement is.

double D, Swims Free.. LMAO

They even have an ADULT POOL which is basically a nude pool full of strippers.

The man then goes on to say…

Its ok we have sulphuric acid in the pool, it neutralizes everything.

Your right there matey, not only would it neutralize everything but it would

also burn everything to shit. LMAO.

Then another random thing happens.

Someone fires a firework at a cop, and the cop walks over calmy and says

There better not be any underage drinking going on here..

NO SIR WHERE JUST PLAYING CATCH THE FUCKING FIREWORK :D

So they have a party, and a couple leave and sit by the sea..

Girl: I had fun at the pool tonight

Guy: Yes, it was really wet

REALLY THE WATER WAS WET, HOW FUCKING LOVELY

So the couple get in the water, they surface

Girl: I just felt something bite me was it you

YES, HIS MOUTH MANAGED TO DETACH FROM HIS BODY AND SWIM UNDERNEATH YOU

YOU MASSIVE TWAT

Then a girl and a guy are getting it on in a VW camper next to the lake

The girl handcuffs the guys arm to a table then kicks the handbrake

and they fly into the lake so the guy gets trapped in a sinking VW.

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIL

So the girls like, fuck this im out of here xD

and the guys left there like… FML… So the fish come in and bite his arm off

and he reaches out of the water shouting

EHHH NEHHH MEHH EEHHHMMMM EHHH NEHHHHHHHH

The skinny dipping couple are talking, the girl asks if the guy thinks her friend

is prettier than her, he replies.. Ive never found women with big breasts

attractive..

THEN, MY FRIEND.. YOU ARE GAY.

Back to the pool, the first guy you see in the pool alonGside the topless

models is a fat guy straight out the comic book store

he sticks his weener in the waterhole in the pool and shouts ITS SO WET!

WHAT IS IT WITH THESE FUCKING AMERICANS

WATER.

IS.

WET.

The fat guy then see’s someone being sick.. then goes what most people do

….. And jumps in the sick..

This film has jumped from retarded to… I dont know whats below retarded..

Twatish?

Two girls are dipping there feet in the lake, when they see a little pirahna

jumping about.. so there like fuck this.. They run back.. The from some reason

out of no where

one of the girls seemlessly.. BACKFLIPS.. into the water..

WHY WOULD YOU BACKFLIP YOU FUCKNUGGET

i guess if your going to die, you may as well die in style

She uses her womanly reflexes to doubletime out of the water back onto the barge, the piranha start to chew the pathway up, the first girl struts back to shore

but the blonde one makes a meal out of it, and almost falls is another

3 FUCKING TIMES

making a meal out of screen time or what

The barge seperates and the blonde one jump on the one

GOING OUT INTO THE LAKE

is she retarded? Has she no logic? How much LSD has she had?

So she does what any american blonde would do when piranhas are in the water

USE HER MOTHERFUCKING HANDS TO PADDLE

then she does the ultimate sacrifice and jumps onto her friends barge only

to pull them BOTH in.

True Friends xD if im dying, your coming with me xD

Both the girls use there womanly reflexes to sail out of the water.

Then a pirahna randomly sprouts wings and flys at them out of the water.

WHAT

PIRAHNAS CAN FLY??? WHERE FUCKED!?

apprently so… This film has gone from TWATISH to..

DIA-FUCKING-BOLICAL

so they beat the flying pirahna with a rock as one does..

Theres a shot of the girl who died in the VW camper, the key floats towards

us.. The first black girl in the film and she tried to steal something..

Then you find out the guy that works in the waterpark cant swim..

WHAT XD

so the girl goes into the river to check if there’s piranha in the drains

Wait What if there are.. She gets eaten.. Surely she can just chuck some meat in

instead of using yourself as bait.. No.. Another typical American

OH A STRANGE NOISE LETS INVESTIGATE dies

………………………………………………………………

A girl and a guy are having sex, the girl this entire time hasnt noticed

A BABY PIRANHA SWAM INSIDE HER MINGE

HOW COULD YOU NOT NOTICE, IS IT THAT BIG FISH CAN SWIM IN AND OUT

so there having sex, and the girls like.. OW IT HURTS.. So the guy

pulls it out and no joke, Theres a pirahna on the end of his dick..

I almost died, his face, its THE Funniest thing ever xD

The worst thing is, the piranha doesnt let go and he keeps it on

there for a good twenty seconds before he gets enough courage so stick a

knife into it xD

The fish.. Not his.. Yeah.. This isnt Saw xD

Turns out he missed the fish altogether and cuts his dick off xD

The girl then steps on the fish and it coughs out half a penis xD

You cant help but laugh, this film is funny but so terrible

that guy must be SO pist.

The girl runs into the next room and shouts at her friend.

THE BEST LINE IN CINEMA HISTORY, i dont know if your ready for this

ladies and gentlemen…

JOSH CUT OFF HIS PENIS BECUASE SOMETHING CAME OUT OF MY VAGINA

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN

It can only get worse from here

………………………………………………………..

Finall THE HOFF makes an appearance, in bed with a women half his age.

Make that two women. GO HOFF WOOT WOOT WOOT WOOT WOOT

So the party starts, Tits are flying.

Then the black guy from the first film gets wheeled in on a wheelchair xD

He asks his carer to throw him in the pool, changes his mind.. A women comes

through and shouts..

DONT PUSH HIS POOR LEGLESS STUMP IN THE POOL!

haha, its funny becuase its true

The hoff makes his official enterance and bursts through some paper onto

the scene, he looks at least 200 but hey ITS THE HOFF! WOOTWOOTWOOTWOOT!

the pool opens, somewhere someones ringing a fishy dinnerbell

the pirahnas advance like OMNOMNOM HUMAN LEGS

The black guy then has some fucking MONTAGE

and comes out out with THE BEST LINE IN HISTORY

BRING.

ME.

MY.

LEGS.

He sticks metal poles in his stumps and climbs in the shallows.

Did i forget to mention one of his legs was a shotgun?

AWWWW YEAAAHHHHH

Ge goes on a mental killing spree with his shotgun..

The HOFF hasn’t realised everyones dying and sits there looking at his

crotch the entire time.

His favourite kid starts screaming so the camera does that weird

focus in, focus out shot.. Not once, not twice BUT THREE TIMES

Then he runs in slow motion towards the kid, his moobs shaking like a bitch

He jumps in the pool, the Piranhas are like THE HOFF, WOOTWOOTWOOT and avoid

him…

The main girl and guy are talking amidst the destruction. Again the best

few lines in cinema history

Guy: Ive always loved you, ever since the 7th grade

Girl: I thought you where gay?

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The owner of the pool drives towards the exit but is struck by a random flailing

STEEL WIRE

and is beheaded, just as a girl with mammoth tits is running, this is where the film turns into gore porn and the girls titties are covered in blood…

Oh gawd xD

the girl catches his head and starts shaking it inbetween her tits xD as you do when you catch someone head xD

WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE DIVING INTO THE POOL, THERE ARE FISH IN THE WATER

THEY WILL EAT YOU

Then the Hoff says something that reminded me of another film

Just when they thought it was safe to go back in the water…

Wait a second they stole that line FROM JAWS

the guy then manages to save his girlfriend who’s being sucked onto the pool floor.

The dude jumps in but doesnt get sucked under because.. Because its a budget film xD

Get this..

he saves her by spearing a fish WITH A BLUNT SPEAR

everyones shocked, the girl, even the fish looks shocked..

That might just be the pole in his brain though xD

The guy saves the girl, instead of giving her CPR and bringing her back to life

He stands there kissing her..

AND SHE WAKES UP

xD as if kissing now RE ANIMATES PEOPLE xD

This film has reached a whole new level of Strangeness

The dodgy cop that’s basically rejected everyone becuase he’s a total cunt

jumps into the pool to save the girl thats just been saved.

theres Fish flying everywhere to orchestral music, its rather stange xD

The guys blunt spear gets blown up, and epicly

SPEARS THE COP IN THE FUCKING FACE FOR NO REASON

THE . END .

you wish, theres a shot of loads of people dead on there sunbeds..

DID THE PIRAHNAS SOMEHOW CRAWL OUT OF THE POOL AND FLIP ONTO THERE BEDS??

And as soon as i said that, it zooms back to the scientist who tells us

There EVOLVING :O THERES LEARNING TO WALK ON LAND :o

a kid walks up to the fish with his phone like.. its ok mummy its slow on

THE FISH NINJAS UP IN THE AIR AND BITES HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF RAAAHHHHHH

……………………………………………………………..

THE END

…………………………………………………………….

Level of retardedness. 9/10

Stupidity Of Survivors American/10

Level of remember able quotes: 8/10

Hope you enjoyed this, always looking for suggestions

Thanks for Reading. Chainsaw

The Wickerman Remake Review

Tue, 21 Aug 2012 08:18:05 -0400

The Wickerman Remake Review

Let me start by saying how utterly shit an actor Nicholas cage is fucking awfull. In almost every film he cries and Breaks down.

His acting skills are somewhat comparable to a limbless fucking chicken, and even then the limbless chicken could probably still pull off a better job. He has the acting skill of a 4 year old child, this man has no hope.

His acting career is nonexistent. Ok, the story.

Nicholas rage plays an American cop called Edward Malice. He receives news from his Ex fiancéeat his daughter Rowan has gone missing. So he casually hires a pilot take fly him over to some unknown Island where a group of paganistic women live.

Hang on. Wait a second.

How did his little girl randomly fucking disappear to some unknown island… All will be explained.

WAIT, NO IT WONT. This is never explained. SHE JUST FUCKING TURNS UP FOR NO REASON.

Not alot of this film makes sense I will tell you this now. The writers of this story are all Thalidomide’s and wrote the story as the film was being shot. So many random things happen its literally

Insane.

Ok so Nicholas rage (Who hasn’t broken down in tears yet, which is surprising since in every other film he stars in, HE BREAKS DOWN AND CRIES within the first ten minutes) arrives at this mysterious Island to try and find his little girl. (The story seems somewhat similar to a retarded version of silent hill, only the monsters are replaced by retarded women).

Everything about this film is retarded.

So the leader of the women on the island is called Sister summers-isle. HOW FUCKING LOVELY.

She tells Nicky Rage that the island makes its entire profit from Local honey. And lately, THE HONEY HAS FAILED. MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE THE BEES JUST DONT FUCKING LIKE YOU.

This is the main part of the film that makes no sense. See this.

There’s an island of women, who gain money from honey. The honey fails so they do what any logical paganistic women would do.

A FUCKING SACRIFICE… . .

So carrying on, Malus is walking through the sunny island searching from his little girl Frodo and see’s two men carrying a long heavy bag that’s dripping with blood

Hmm that’s a tad suspicious.

Then he finds an empty grave in the church.

Hmm even more suspicious.

Yet, he doesn’t seem that threatened. This is the height of his

Acting ability… Retarded Chicken right. .

If your girl has gone missing on a strange ass island, and you see people carrying around dripping Bags. I would be like.. Fuck this man.

You wouldn’t do what Nicky rage does, and completely IGNORE the situation.

So he walks past all of this random shit that’s happening. He asks a few questions and everyone basically boys him off, so he’s like fuck it I don’t really like this girl anyway.

He finds this fresh grave at the church, and it’s got a burned doll at the bottom.

(This is one of the only parts of the film that’s.. i say half decent loosely).

Then he finds his daughters jacket at the schoolhouse. He asks the school teacher where she is and she boys him off as well, she doesn’t let him see the class register. He finds out that his little girls name has been crossed out of the register and completely flips which is always funny, Nicholas cage losing his shit never fails to put a grin on my face.

The teacher then talks to him outside and tells him his daughter has died…

She tells him ‘She will burn’. Then corrects herself and says ‘She has burned’.

She rushes back to class. What? This doesn’t make sense? None of this make sense?

Who fucking wrote this film?!? It’s so shit??

So it’s the day of the ritual. His daughter turns out to be a sacrifice. LOL.

So rage is.. Raging around the village. . But instead of searching he grabs a costume and follows the villagers around to the main site where the sacrifice is going to be.. Well sacrificed..

Leading up to THE BEST part of ANY FILM EVER.

Nicholas RAGE, RAGES LIKE A TROLL and drop kicks a women in the fucking face. Out of nowhere.

Literally, it’s like.. What the fuck.. This film has now turned from a retarded search for his stupid daughter to a fucking ninja movie?!?

anyway doesn’t it seem a little bit strong to sacrifice a RANDOM FUCKING CHILD to bring back your honey!?

So his little girl is tied to a tree, Nicholas Rage jumps out of his bear costume and snatches his child and runs away, a little bit like the slenderman really.. Child snatching.. Hmm.. Its gone from retarded to.. Slightly.. Strenge..

Anyway Nicholas cage runs away with his girl.. And another funnily retardedly stupid thing happens His girl leads him back to the group of Satanists.

FUCKING FAIL HAHAHAHA

The villagers overpower Rage and put him through some really fucking retarded torture scenes I guess this is where the movie turns into a horror film, even though its still so fucking Retarded.

They get a huge rock and throw it as his legs xD so he’s like.. EHH NEHHHH, then they get a crate of

MOTHERFUCKING BEEEZ

and they swarm his head, for punishment for being such a shit fucking actor.

The entire time Nicky rage is shouting.

NEEHHHH THE BEHHHHS, NEHHHHHHH

So after putting him through this ordeal, they throw him inside a 100ft massive wooden man that they’ve managed to hide away behind the 20ft trees for the entire film.. xD fail xD

They set it alight, which is kind of when i was hoping for them to start singing

BUURN RAGEY BURN, ITS A PAGAN INFERNO, BURN RAGE BURN!

But it never happened :’(

Level of retardedness. ∞/10

Stupidity of survivors. Its beyond rateable.

Level of rememberable qoutes. 5/10

This is the worst film I have ever seen, and trust me.. Ive seen twilight..

I want to personally dick slap the writers of this movie for making it so fucking awfull.. Seek help guys.. Seriously I could of shit into a blender and come up with a better storyline.

Thanks for reading, Chainsaw.

War Ensemble

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 16:50:18 -0400

Be dead friend from above
When darkness falls
Descend into my sights
Your fallen walls

Spearhead break through the lines
Flanked all around
Soldiers of attriction
Forward their ground

Regime prophetic age
Old in its time
Flowing veins run on through
Deep in the Rhine

World Painted Blood

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 16:45:43 -0400

Satan’s hand begins the end and frees the world forever,

Gomorrah’s dream to live in sin has reached its critical mass.

Man himself has become god and laughs at his destruction

In which we trust a secret government is now in total collapse.

Deep Blue Sea Movie Review

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 10:53:00 -0400

1. Deep blue sea review

Ok the story’s simple and retarded but literally who cares this film is awesome
whatever way you look at it.

At a random aquarium that slightly resembles a heavy duty Sea world is housing some deadly rubber sharks, and at SeaWorld some scientists are doing research on the rubber sharks to find a cure for Alzheimer’s.

The crew in the films made up of an interesting bunch of stupid characters.

The shark wrangler, who (somehow) breaks the laws of physics to jump through the water and over the sharks, like a boss. This man finds every chance possible to fall over in the film, if there’s water he will fall over even if the waters 1cm from the floor, it’s like he’s wearing shoes made purely of lube. (Thomas Jane)

Saffron burrows that plays the main researcher, literally the biggest idiot in any film ever. Not only does she free the sharks in the first place, but she pointlessly sacrifices herself at the end for NO APPARENT REASON…. The only other thing she does is make pointless remarks throughout the film. . Everyone else spends the film insulting her, and dam fucking right as well. Stupid bitch.

LL Cool J who plays the chef, who comes up with the most famous line in ANY FILM EVER.

YOU
ATE
MY
BIRD

Also he sparks the one of the funniest parts of the film, he’s starts making a video diary to anyone the finds the tape. (As if they would) And he starts showing you how to make any omelette, which is made with 2 eggs not 3, which is apparently a common mistake. He also stabs a shark in the eye with his crucifix and the shark falls away like a vampire.

Tea Leoni, who spends the ENTIRE FUCKING FILM crying. When she finally gets eaten I was actually fist pumping. She’s in one of THE most retarded scenes as well. She falls from a ladder into the water, completely understandable. The shark begins to munch, completely understandable.

Then suddenly…

OUT OF NOWHERE

She jumps out of the water IN THE SHARKS MOUTH.

WHAT.

WHY.

Then, she falls into the water and dies…. .

Tea Lenois husband, who has a bit of a spesh moment and stick his arm in a shark’s mouth. Bless him. Let’s be honest dude, what were you thinking. That was NEVER going to end well. Also it’s worth mentioning this guy has the worst luck out of anyone.

He loses his arms, and then when he’s being airlifted, the rope breaks. He falls into the water and the techno enhanced super sharks with fricken lazer beams on their fricken heads use him as a projectile to smash the massive glass screen in the middle of the aquarium.

Still, he soldiers on. He’s lost his arms, he’s been used at a

CRIPPLE MISSILE!!!!!!!!

, he’s broken through glass. And…. He’s just left there to die. LOL LOL LOL LOL SUCK.

Now my favourite cast member, Samuel L Jackson (Who has had it with these motherfucking sharks)
Who finds every excuse to come out with powerful phrases like WE HAVE. TO STICK. TOGETHER. And then the Ninja shark jumps out of the water and chomps him in two, unlucky chucky. There’s also a point where he freaks out when he sees the Techno enhanced Ninja sharks swim backwards. Seriously whats he worried about, there not going to swim backwards towards him. Like there doing a Michael jackson and swimming down the corridor backwards. Using there little side mirrors for direction.

Out of everything in the film, not the fact that they can swim at 75mph (apparently)
not the fact that there 50ft long (apparently) and not the fact that they have
fricken lazer beams on their fricken head.

IT’S THE FACT THAT THAT SHARK JUST SWAM… BACKWARDS… FUUUUUU

Effects

I could tell the film started running out of budget towards the end, becuase at the start the
CGI is kept on a low and plastic models/realtime footage was used to max. Which is good,
they genuinely looks nice and rubbery, but as the film goes on it slips into borderline
bodgey animation with shifty sharks.

What i think of this film.

I really love it, its got everything. Romance between the sharks and The retarded researcher.
Its full of action and retarded scenes like when..

THE CHEF TRAPS HIMSELF IN THE OVER. AND THE SHARK. TURNS IT ON.
WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT….

THE NINJA SHARK DIVES UPWARDS AND EATS A PARROT.
WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT….

WHEN THE NINJA SHARK JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER WITH TEA LEONI IN ITS MOUTH..
WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT….

so many crazy ass moments, i love this film. Its so retarded its good. What makes it, is
its not all CGI, and it had a big ass bidget.

Deep Blue Sea

Level of retardedness. 7/10
Stupidity of survivors. 15,00000 / 10
Level of rememberable qoutes. 7/10

Also the last thing worth mentioning, the last sharks left (Who the shark rangler constantly reminds us is 50ft long, is also the shark that fits through the corridors.

Im now changing the level of retardedness to 8.

The Mist Review

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 19:36:52 -0400

Imagine this.

Theres a strange white mist that blankets a small town and a large group of people trap themselves inside a shopping mall that slightly resembles Lidles.

Then out of the mist comes a whole number of slightly strange deadly creatures, Flying dinosaurs, Bugs, Mutant Spiders, Giant Clawed Penis Tentacles.

The people locked inside the mall include 3 members of the walking dead (Andrea, Dale and the Lesbian one with short hair). The shark wrangler from Deep blue sea. A Jesus women. About 10 Old people and the rest are all Red Necks.

First the Clawed penis tentacle thing comes and eats the Sherminator from american pie.

PLOT HOLE 1

The go to turn on the back up generator even though about 5 people clearly state, they simply Dont need to. This scene was completely set up to kill people off and to show off there Clawed Penis Tentacle.

PLOT HOLE 2

The lesbian from the walking dead simply wanders out into the mist and Isnt Killed? I Dont know what the Dino-Spider-Bugs where thinking maybe they just saw her face and where like… Dude what the fuck is that thing.. And left her alone.. I Dont know..

Back to the story. Oh wait.

PLOT HOLE 3

The dinosaurs break into the store, they work out there attracted to LIGHT. So they start making FIRE. Now im not a scientist by any means but by my calculations doesnt FIRE = LIGHT? Surely it would attract more?? Also when they work out the LIGHT attracts the dinosaurs there are some of the Rednecks turning ON lights around the mall.. Now I know there Rednecks and there thick as shit (Honestly you should see the gormless look on some of there faces Im surprised they where paid for this)

Back to the story.

a Jesus women starts quoting the bible, all preachy and shit. Before you know shes managed to convert most of the crowd into devout Christians.

Oh wait.

PLOT HOLE 4

The women who converts over half the crowd into Christians manages to somehow turn them into blood thirsty killers?? I know?? When they find out one of the army guys is… PART OF THE ARMY… The Devout Christians stab this man and throw him outside??? What ever happened to..

Thou shall not stab??

Carrying on with the very strange story.

The Preachy women carrys on preaching (and your subjected to this for a good chunk of the film THE LORDETH SAYETH IN CHAPTER 43033ETH LINE G, THAT THE TEMPLE WAS FULL OF SMOKETH.. And you really begin to hate this women with a passion. So what do all good American’s do when they see something they dont like.

On a completely unrelated note, the preachy women gets SHOT IN THE FACE And by this time your jumping up and down singing YEEEAH! because finally the Jesus loving preacher women’s finally shut her mouth (Partly because there’s a bullet stuck in the forehead).

POT HOLE 5

Some of the characters that make a runner out of the mall get swooped within seconds.. However some of them make it out unscathed.. Now imagine if your a big fat hair motherfucking Spider Dinosaur (Yeah, like) And you see a big motherfucking Mall full of food.. Your going to stick pretty close to it arent you, your not going to wonder off into the sea and go swimming like shit.

Anyway im starting to get bored of writing, Basically the Shark wrangler, Andrea and Dale from the walking dead, Shark Wranglers son and and old Women (of all people) leave in the car (they leave the devout stabbing Christians behind) because to be honest… if I was in the position I would of been like FUCK YOU GUYS a long time ago.

So they ride out, until there car runs out of petrol. Shark wrangler looks at his gun and see’s he has bullets left (5 in the car) So decides to shoot everyone in the car but himself. Including his son. As you do.

He gets out the car and about 3 seconds later the mist is gone.

Which is basically like saying.

!!! INSERT COMPLETELY UN-FUCKING-NECESSARY ENDING HERE !!!

Followed by more crying and shit. A tank goes past and then the army and then literally If this guy wasn’t pissed enough because he’s just shot his own son.

THE LESBIAN WOMEN FROM THE START WALKS PAST WITH HER SON.

LOL.

So what have I learnt from this film?

Dont ever give a Christian a knife.

If your trapped inside a mall, Dont trust anyone. Especially recently converted Christians with knifes.

If bugs are attracted to light, For fuck sake but the fire out?

Ive been George Tinsley, thank fuck for reading.

Tom Clancy's Future Soldier Review

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 07:29:00 -0400

The Good

Customization

The level of customization is really good, mixing and matching different parts to create the ultimate super weapon is really fun. I would say there’s an ultimate combo for every gun but truthfully there isn’t an ultimate gun combination there’s 4.Depending on your type of play/the map you’re playing on you can optimize your gun in 4 different ways.

How much control you want over the amount of recoil you produce, higher calibre weapons like the AK obviously produce more recoil than some of the other assault rifles like the ACR so what you can do is stick a fixed stock, grip etc to counteract the recoil.

You can optimize your gun in range, handy for the long maps where there’s lots of cover over long spaces of open areas, you can use a longer barrel and a higher powered scope to give you the edge. This is handy for the LMG’s because guns like the stoner have stupid amounts of recoil so without any customization the likelihood of hitting anything past 5 feet is very minute.

You can optimize your gun in manoeuvrability which is handy for smg’s if you’re more of the kind of player that enjoys being cannon fodder running about the battlefield getting loads of quick kills.

You can also optimize your gun in power, which is handy for guns with low damage. Although the more you customize towards power the less control you’re going to have, the key is finding the middle ground between them. This is handier for the smaller guns because they tend to have less firepower but increased fire rate.

Story/Campaign

I thought the storyline was quite basic, half of your squad get killed by a bomb and you go out on your own personal vendetta to kill the bad guys. Its short and sweet, it’s not farfetched like others shooters ( MW in particular). There’s some really nice missions thrown in, especially the solo mission where you have to infiltrate a prison and locate the president 10Floors door, bring him up and plant bombs everywhere and sail off in the distance as your team destroys the place.

There are a few missions however that aren’t fun at all to play and become more annoying than anything. There’s a bit in the Russian streets mission where you have to clear a street full of soldiers (and there’s no way of avoiding contact or a silent clean up, you HAVE to engage). There aren’t a lot of missions like this thank god because when they start to bring missions like this in it turns into another basic, bland shooter. It loses the ghost recon effect of the silent clean up where you sneak around popping people off, choosing your next target and leaving the scene without anyone knowing you where there.

The equipment you are given, like the Drone (basically a flying camera) which allows you to tag people is a really nice touch. In the old games guys would hide, you would have no idea they where there until you capped the guy stand in the open next to them, they would them simultaneously raise the alarm, so with this drone you can tag everyone and let your team do all of the work.

Guns

Assault rifles are really nice, there not to over power (like MW) they sound nice, and everyone generally handles slightly differently. The AN packs more of a punch but has more recoil than the Goblin which packs less of a punch. There’s quite a nice range of guns as well, about 6-7 in each class.

The Bad

Multiplayer

Every game you join you will be losing (unless your VERY lucky and get into a winning match) simply for the fact that multiplayer has been made so one sided. Certain maps are a lot better for certain teams, the way the maps are built give one team the upper hand letting them spawn closer to objectives which automatically means unless there falidamides they will always win.

The way weapons have been laid out as well, you unlock only 4 in every class guns every twenty levels and the guns you unlock are actually worse than the predecessors which makes no sense (this only applies to the guns unlocked at 20, the ones at 32 are the best) this is really poor, really annoying. It leaves you no choice and forces you to use bad guns. There are about 10 assault rifles to choose from yet you can only use 4. Why.

Spawn points are atrocious; you can choose to spawn on your team mates (although you can’t spawn on them if there close to where you need to be) yet you CAN spawn when there about to be shot (which means as soon as you spawn you WILL die). Or you can opt for the safe option and spawn at the end of the map meaning you have to run the entire map to reach an objective that’s 99% percent likely to be captured by the enemy team by the time you’ve got there.

Some people get ridiculous amounts of recoil on their guns. When you take an lmg into the firing range and optimize it for control, it still has a lot of recoil on it especially guns like the stoner, increasing fire rate less control. Yet some people have made it so there lmg’s the same ones your using have NO recoil, and can somehow pick you off from the other side of the map. I don’t know if this is a glitch or if there just lucky but it’s happened to me, a lot.

Bodark get one set of weapons, and the GR’s get a different. So if you want to use your mp7 then there’s only a small chance you can because most maps give the GR’s an upper hand which makes it so you normally join the Bodark which in my opinion have the more underpowered weapons.

Frags and sensors are completely overpowered, and sensors ruin multiplayer. Frags are more explosive than nukes on this game, if you’re within 15ft you’re automatically a casualty, if you’re lucky and you start running you will get blown over and loose most of your health.

Sensors make you visible to everyone on the other team so if one lands near you, you’re basically screwed unless you run out of the sensors range. It’s taking the whole stealth aspect of the game and shitting on it. Multiplayer is fun but it will leave you cursing like a bitch on many occasions. People sponge bullets like a bitch as well, you can get hit by 2 lmg bullets and flop like a sack of spanners, yet you shoot a single sniper bullet into another’s face and they will run away giggling.

The stun guns are awful, you have to get within about 5 feet to shoot it, yet people have managed to shoot me at least 20 feet away. You get to much xp for doing it, and it also reveals every member of your team for ten seconds to the enemy so you get destroyed if you’re near an objective. It’s like covering yourself in beef and jumping in a shark tank.

The challenges

You can’t actually do some of the challenges; one of them is kill the people approaching the house without being detected (about 30 people) half the people run down one side and the other half down the other side. But they stay in groups of about 6 and since you can only tag 4 at a time, (because there all next to each other, obviously they see if you shoot the person next to them ) so it is impossible.

The Ugly

Guerrilla mode

Guerrilla mode is the most promising idea, yet the way it is pulled off is atrocious.

It’s the simple idea of wave defence with some added perks like equipment drops and airstrikes etc.

Here are the drawbacks. You can’t use your own guns, you have to use the ones that are dropped from the sky via airdrop or pick them up from enemies. Here’s what’s worse, the guns you get are always the same and very rarely change, here’s what’s even worse, and half the guns haven’t been customized which means no sight, no stock nothing so you have to fight using god awful versions of good guns.

You spend 9/10 waves defending a position which is probably THE most boring thing. Mix that with the same old weapons and it’s a mixture for… absolutely nothing. Every 10rounds you get a stealth wave (which is the only thing that will keep you sane through this ordeal) and this is actually slightly fun, you have to silent work as a team and pick of people. (Why there isn’t a separate mode for this I don’t know). The best part is, you can’t even do it alone unless you’re a GR pro, and when you’re defending a position the area you have to defend is always really open leaving you to cover at least 4 places at once. With two people it’s easier but with one person it’s insanely difficult. Guerrilla mode is basic, it needs a lot of work and I mean a lot. I would happily never play it again in my life, its better left collecting dust.

The last level

The last level feels more like a bonus mission, it’s a personal vendetta against the people you’ve finally located that killed your squad. It makes you rush (again loosing the classic GR feel of taking your time and being quite) and it’s stupidly hard, you have to large amounts of people in small areas. It’s not fun, and at the end you’re treated to a boring cut scene. It fell short of my expectations.

Photo

Wed, 27 Jun 2012 06:22:40 -0400

Photo

Wed, 27 Jun 2012 06:20:42 -0400

The Shrine Walkthrough and Review

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 16:22:34 -0400

The Shrine

The first scene opens with a guy getting a mask hammered into his face, no explanation just a weird polish priest muttering something without any subtitles.

It opens up to a couple (flawless acting, not) arguing about how the girl called ‘common’ cant get off of her phone. Really bad acting, no effort involved what so ever.

Then to the girls office, we find out common is a journalist, her manager doesn’t like the story she has about a missing person so decides to give her a story about the disappearance of some bees, now did the creators of this story have a vivid imagination or what. Anyway, common ignores the boss and goes off after the missing persons mum with her friend (no one mentions her name). She looks a lot like that butch women from t v.

common sifts through the guys luggage to find a journal, she goes home and has a nightmare about the missing person, who I will nickname polish for further reference.
Anyway in the dream polish has stab wounds in his eyes and mouth, she wakes up and tells her boyfriend she wants a lovely holiday in Poland (lovely my ass). She books the tickets and then tells him, so he’s like.. Wtf bitch xD

So nameless, common, and commons boyfriend all head off to a secluded village in Poland. Alarm bells? They read a review saying there’s a fog over the village, hardly anyone ever goes in, there’s no hotels in or around the village.. Alarm bells?

They get to… Again the place isn’t mentioned so il just call it Poland, the villagers all stare.. They walk through mainly farms.. See a man stabbing the fuck out of a pig, watch a girl bending over in the grass, called Lydia. They mention America, and Lydia just goes…. Cheese burgers… XD they mention polish and her eyes are like :0 oh god :0 then her dad comes along (the guy that was stabbing the fuck out of the pig) and wards them off.

There’s a noise of a deranged cow, and several people walking out of a church stroking an old man with a tall dodgy pope hat. They see a fire over the trees and decide to check it out. Three an catch up with them, the old man with the funny hat from the church shouts at them from the field. The pig man tells them to leave, so they do.

Common says they should go back, alarm bells, nameless is in the back seat and she looks as helpless as ever. Common tells her boyfriend she HAS to get this story or her jobs over, so they go back. Boyfriend tells them there not staying there there to check it out and nothing more so they wander through the trees.

Into a massive fog. In the trees. Boyfriend is wary. Nameless wanders into the fog. They wait but she doesn’t come back? Common goes into the fog, alone to search for nameless.
It’s silent, she calls and there’s a very quite reply and footsteps.

Nameless runs out and finds out boyfriend, she looks shocked and doesn’t speak. She asks for common, they both stare into the fog. Commons still walking about without a care in the world, she if finds some sort of tree. Which turns out to be a statue of demon. She photos it. She walks around and the statues head follows her which is quite creepy. The statue pulses and starts bleeding. She hears whispers. Is this a dream? She hears more whispers and noises in the distance and stumbles around. She walks out of the dog and joins up with the group.

They walk back to the car and I’m guessing it’s not there, Lydia is waiting on the way back. They keep on walking. Lydia stares. They go over, alarm bells, Lydia tells the she knows where polish is? (polish was the one that got his face smashed in at the start) boyfriend is wary again but common doesn’t listen and they all carry on with Lydia.

Lydia points to a boarded cabin, so they decide to investigate (this is starting to turn into scooby doo. Lydia opens a door, they walk through like moths to a flame. They find a store of coffins.

They open a coffin to find a body with a mask hammered onto its face, they open several more. They find Eric in the next coffin in all his glory. Lydia is long gone. The doors locked but it’s wooden, the door could be smashed down but they don’t figure that one out. The boyfriend tells them it was part of there plan (but yet again he didn’t do anything). They get out of the cabin, they see people in the forest so decide to pick up the pace. Nameless is out of breath so they run into an abandoned cabin. (reminds me of when you have to fend off the Los illuminatos in resident evil 4) they loose the villagers. Boyfriend has a go (FINALLY) at common.

She cries and apologises, boyfriend hugs her. The only reason he doesn’t kick her in the face is because shes probably blatantly a porn star.

The villagers close in on the abandoned cabin, so they jump out of the back and run away.
common gets caught by a villager who hadoukens her. Boyfriend gets spear tackled, and nameless gets a crossbow through the leg. Boyfriend runs away, the villagers catch nameless and chloroform her.

Pitgman chases boyfriend through the forest, pigman turns into an Olympic sprinter.
Boyfriend pulls out a pen knife, pigman pulls out a Bowie knife and chloroforms boyfriend.

There all awoken by a bucket of water to the face, all tied. Lydia is talking to a villager.
There’s taken to the coffin cabin, and met by some priests. Who stares at common. Then boyfriend, then nameless. He speaks in polish in front of nameless. The villages are like WTH :0 common and nameless is taken into the cabin. They are stripped.

The priests cover them in a white gown. He stares at them. Talks some more Jibba Jibba.
Nameless is taken to the metal cross where polish got his faced smashed in. Common is locked in a nearby cage. The priests slice her wrists then her Achilles heel.

Meanwhile boyfriend us digging his own grave. Guarded by two villagers, one armed the other not.

The priest spits a bit, the mask is lowered over nameless’s face. The spikes hovering over he eyes. The priest then smashes the mask into her face, nameless’s bakes a little then dies. Common starts crying, literally no effort to shout The villagers what so ever, bats award nominee right here.

Boyfriend is still digging. Then hits the villager with a space knocking him out. Takes the gun and runs towards the cabin.

Nameless is still there, the priests continue preaching. Boyfriend makes his way into the cabin. They bring a coffin through for nameless. She’s lowered in. Boyfriend watches.

Common is dragged out out but boyfriend jumps In and locks them all in the cabin. Common and boyfriend run through the woods. Common throws up starts hearing things.

They run to a nearby farm go house, they walk around in search for a key to the car outside. They find two kids and a man. They girl screams at common. The villagers break out of the cabin. Common starts seeing things, like he kid turns into a monster. It pans out and he’s normal again. For some reason they tie the innocent family down? Common starts going through some weird halucenagenic phase and everyone’s got monster masks on.

The kid tells boyfriend the keys are in the kitchen, so they go. Then he ties the kid up.
Common, has a light show. Looks in the mirror, and sees herself move around which is creepy. Then finally gives and to possession and becomes a demon. She screams like a harpie and everyone goes to grab there ears. Boyfriend shows another sign of undramatic acting. The villagers hear the scream and close in.

Boyfriend hears common in the next room, sounds like she’s eating everyone. Boyfriend takes his time and walks around the house slowly. A door creaks open. Alarm bells. This film does genuinely try really hard to build the tension. You see the kids body in. The hall blood soaked, then his sister and the dad. The door slams shut, and randomly a snake crawls over boyfriend.

Common jumps intop of boyfriend, she whispers there is no redemption, licks his face and jumps off. The priests breaks in and chant to common. Common replies in more Jibba jabba, they try and attack common but since she’s a demon she fucks them over with her power claw.

She gets stabbed, takes the knife out and stabs another. Most of the time she’s laughing through this. The priests throw holy water over her. She stabs the main priest with a wooden pole. That’s just laying around, boyfriend is still laying there watching the entire thing. WHY? I would of been like.. FUCK THIS? IM OUTER HERE!? Ages ago? Pigman manages to throw more water over her, stabs her in the chest.

He throws her to the ground, the priests stab her palms and hold the mask over her. Boyfriend then helps the priests hold her down? And the mask is hammered into her face. Common is no more.

Everyone stands up, the remaining priests whisper about the fate of boyfriend. Even though he has a gun he doesn’t use it? They lead him outside. Pigman then speaks English.
Boyfriend asks for an explanation to this really strange film.
Pigman Tells boyfriend that there was a curse left on the village, hence the shrine. Anyone who sees the shrine gets possessed (and they are basically a group of exorcists). Hence why they hammer masks onto people’s faces.

The films ends. At just under an hour an a half.

Gore 5/10
Scares 4/10
Acting performance 3/10
Storyline 6/10
Character development 3/10
Locations 5/10
Effects 4/10

What I thought:

This wasn’t a bad film, although its riddled with poor acting performances and a few plot holes. There’s a little but of tension created, it moves along really quickly in some places and evidently fails to create any kind of suspense. The idea of there being an eery polish village with lurking villagers and a fog, a strange cult that worships some kind of evil demon and lay human sacrifices to a metal cross only to be tortured and masked. That isn’t a bad idea, but we find out the villagers aren’t evil there merely trying to stop people looking at the shrine so they don’t have to exorcise anyone. The fact that the evil villagers are in fact good makes it a lot less exciting. Then as soon as common gets possessed and goes all halucenagenic and starts seeing monster masks the films spirals horribly downhill and goes from an almost good survival horror to a dodgy monster film. It could of been so much better. Its not bad a idea, but because of the shoe string budget and the dodgy actors it’s not pulled off as well as it should of been.

Staunton hill review

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 16:20:30 -0400

Staunton hill.

I was about 3 minutes into the film when I realised it was yet another film trying to re create the Texas chainsaw massacre and oh boy this ones bad.

Now given that this film was directed by Romero’s son I did expect at least a little bit of decency, and there is. It has a few, ‘that’s kinda grim’ moments in the film. Like when the girl gets scalped (although i get the feeling it was copied from saw 2) and when the girl’s getting torn apart on the operating table.

I decided to start writing this review half way through. There are some completely pointless bits in this film. Completely. A girl falls into a spike pit. Why? No one knows.

These a the plots in comparison.

TCM: group of teenagers traveling across America, there car breaks down and end up at a dodgy looking place. They are then picked off and hunted down by a family of rednecks.

SH: A group of teenagers traveling across America, there car breaks down and end up at a dodgy looking place. They are then picked off and hunted down by a family of retarded rednecks.

Similar eh. Difference is, ones A timeless horro classic. The others a mere lower class copy. Bad acting. Low budget, bad editing, and one god dam boring storyline.

Ths film has loads of picturesc views, it’s like a retarded version episode of country file. This whole films retarded. There’s so much retarded unescesary flashing. This film doesn’t even deserve a review it’s just another typical boring horror.

I watched hell raiser a few days ago, and even though the gore in that involved mainly people getting skinned (dodgy rubber bodies) people getting bled (luminous fake blood) it was still a billion times better than this heap of steaming shit.